WIBTA if I started making my roommate pay half the bills even though it wasn’t what we initially agreed upon?
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Roommate Betrayal: A Story of Boundaries and Respect
When a kind-hearted roommate discovers that their belongings—over 500 cherished books—have been discarded by their housemate, it sparks a deep conflict about respect and boundaries. Initially motivated by compassion for their roommate’s difficult past, the narrator now grapples with feelings of betrayal and the desire to reclaim their space and financial contributions. This relatable dilemma highlights the complexities of living with others, especially when kindness is taken for granted, making readers reflect on their own boundaries in shared living situations.
Roommate Conflict Over Discarded Belongings
In a situation marked by family drama and conflict resolution, a person reflects on their challenging living arrangement with a roommate. Here’s a summary of the events that unfolded:
- Living Arrangement: The narrator has a roommate who pays approximately $700 of the $1,600 rent, while the narrator covers the remaining expenses, including utilities. The roommate moved in after leaving an abusive situation.
- Initial Setup: The room is furnished with the narrator’s furniture, including a large bed and a heavy bookshelf filled with over 500 books stored in boxes and bags. The narrator intended to sort through these books and create a library space after the roommate moved out.
- First Incident: Last year, the narrator discovered their bookshelf outside by the dumpsters. They confronted the roommate, insisting that the bookshelf be returned, but did not offer a solution for its storage.
- Recent Discovery: After hiring a cleaning service, the narrator learned that the roommate had discarded all of their books months prior without permission. This included a significant collection that held sentimental value.
- Emotional Impact: The narrator felt devastated not only by the loss of their books but also by the lack of respect shown by the roommate. This led to a week of silence between them.
- Future Actions: The narrator is considering changing the financial arrangement by drafting a document that would split household expenses evenly, increasing the roommate’s contribution by at least $500. They are contemplating whether it would be appropriate to leave this document taped to the roommate’s door.
- Reflection: The narrator acknowledges that the current situation deviates from their original agreement and feels that the roommate’s actions warrant a reevaluation of their financial responsibilities.
- Personal Insights: The narrator shares their struggles with ADHD and the impact it has on their behavior and relationships. They emphasize their kind nature and desire to help others, while also recognizing the need to set boundaries.
- Next Steps: Instead of leaving a note, the narrator plans to take a weekend away to clear their head and intends to have a direct conversation with the roommate upon their return.
This situation highlights the complexities of living with others, especially when personal belongings and emotional histories are involved. The narrator’s journey reflects the challenges of conflict resolution in a shared living space, particularly when trust has been broken.
This is Original story from Reddit
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
Story
I have a roommate who pays me about 90% of half the rent, so if the total rent is 1,600, they contribute around 700. I cover the rest, along with water, gas, internet, and electricity, because I earn more than they do. When they first moved in, I felt sorry for them because they were leaving an abusive situation.
It’s been a little over a year since they moved into my guest room, and overall, it hasn’t been too bad. However, when they moved in, I had some of my belongings in the closet, primarily books. The room is fully furnished with my furniture, including a large bed that takes up a lot of space, a heavy bookshelf, and around 500 books stored in 56 boxes and two large bags.
I always intended to go through them, pick out my favorites, and donate or sell the rest, but due to my ADHD and object impermanence, I kept pushing it off. In the long run, I envisioned turning the room into a closet-library after they moved out since I prefer having my clothes visible rather than stored away. Last year, I came home to find my bookshelf outside by the dumpsters.
I immediately told my roommate to put it back in the room because they had no right to throw away my belongings. If they had asked, I would have found another place for it, but I was so frustrated that I insisted they return it to the room without offering an alternative solution. Fast forward to now, I recently hired someone to help clean my apartment when work gets too busy.
They offered to organize my cabinets, which reminded me to finally sort through my books—only to be told that my roommate had thrown them all away months ago. Over 500 books—hardcover, paperback, large, small, books I had kept since middle school—just gone. They never asked, never mentioned feeling uncomfortable with them in the closet, never gave me a chance to move them.
They simply decided to discard decades of my history without my permission. I was so upset that I haven’t spoken to them in over a week. It’s not just about the books; it’s about the complete lack of respect for my things.
My first instinct is to kick them out. Yes, I understand the legal complexities of tenancy and eviction, but instead, I’ve decided that I no longer want to cover the bulk of the bills. I’ve drafted a document that evenly splits all household expenses, which will increase their contribution by at least 500.
WIBTA if I taped it to their door? This isn’t the arrangement we originally agreed upon when they moved in, but at this point, I feel that if they can blatantly disrespect my belongings, they no longer deserve my generosity.
ETA: I started responding to comments, but as a recovering people-pleaser with a tendency to over-explain, I realized it was triggering what my therapist calls rejection sensitivity. I wasn’t using my ADHD as an excuse—just explaining how a specific neurodivergent term relates to the discussion. Since I was diagnosed later in life, I’ve had to constantly explain my behavior and thought processes to those around me.
I struggle when I feel like people are upset with me and often overcompensate when I sense someone doesn’t like me. Believe it or not, I genuinely am a kind person. Helping others is not only my passion but also my profession, and I come from a background of religious public service.
It has taken years of therapy to stop allowing myself to be taken advantage of due to the fact that I want to feed everyone, save everyone, and help everyone. That being said, I did not leave a note. I left out of town for the weekend to clear my head, and I will have a discussion with them when I get back.
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the roommate acted unreasonably by disposing of the OP’s belongings, which constitutes theft. While some users suggest that OP should take action to evict the roommate and seek compensation for the lost items, others point out that OP also bears some responsibility for not managing their possessions better in the shared space. Overall, the comments highlight a significant breach of trust and property rights within the roommate relationship.
Verdict: ESH
Expert Advice for Resolving the Roommate Conflict
Conflict in shared living spaces can be challenging, especially when personal belongings and emotional histories are involved. Here are some practical steps for both the narrator and the roommate to consider in order to resolve the situation amicably:
For the Narrator
- Take Time to Reflect: Before addressing the issue, take a weekend away as planned to clear your head. This will help you approach the conversation with a calm and rational mindset.
- Prepare for the Conversation: Outline your feelings about the situation, focusing on how the loss of your belongings has impacted you emotionally. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame, such as “I felt devastated when I discovered my books were gone.”
- Set Clear Boundaries: Discuss the importance of respecting each other’s belongings and establish clear guidelines for shared spaces. This could include a mutual agreement on what can be stored where and how to handle items that are no longer wanted.
- Discuss Financial Arrangements: If you feel the need to change the financial responsibilities, present your thoughts in a constructive manner. Explain why you believe an equal split of expenses is fair, considering the recent events.
- Consider Mediation: If direct communication proves difficult, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a mutual friend or a mediator, to facilitate the discussion.
For the Roommate
- Acknowledge the Impact: Recognize the emotional weight of the situation. Understand that discarding the narrator’s belongings without permission was a significant breach of trust.
- Apologize Sincerely: Offer a genuine apology for your actions. Acknowledge the hurt caused and express your understanding of why it was wrong to dispose of the books.
- Communicate Openly: Be open to discussing the living arrangement and any underlying issues that may have contributed to your actions. This could include feelings of being overwhelmed or not knowing how to handle shared spaces.
- Be Willing to Compromise: If the narrator proposes changes to the financial arrangement, be open to discussing it. Consider how you can contribute more fairly to the household expenses.
- Work on Building Trust: Take steps to rebuild trust in the relationship. This could involve being more communicative about your actions and decisions regarding shared spaces in the future.
Moving Forward
Both parties should aim for a constructive dialogue that fosters understanding and respect. By addressing the situation with empathy and a willingness to compromise, it is possible to mend the relationship and create a more harmonious living environment.
Join the Discussion
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What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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