AITA for telling my (32F) best friend (32F) that her dating standards are unrealistic?
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When Dating Standards Clash with Friendship
In a heartfelt exploration of friendship and dating expectations, a woman grapples with her best friend’s stringent criteria for potential partners. After introducing her to a promising match, she discovers that her friend’s demands—ranging from physical attributes to religious commitments—might be setting her up for disappointment. This relatable dilemma highlights the tension between personal values and the realities of modern dating, prompting readers to reflect on their own relationship standards and the impact of societal pressures. Can a supportive friend challenge unrealistic expectations without jeopardizing their bond?
Family Drama and Wedding Tension: A Friend’s Dilemma
In a recent situation involving a close friendship, a conflict arose over differing views on dating standards and expectations. The main characters in this story are the narrator and her best friend, whom we’ll refer to as “Elle.” Here’s a breakdown of the events:
- Long-standing Friendship: The narrator and Elle have been friends for about ten years. Throughout this time, Elle has experienced several relationships but has been single for the past few years.
- Elle’s Frustration: As the only unmarried friend in their circle, Elle has expressed her unhappiness with being single and her desire to find a serious relationship and eventually get married.
- Proactive Approach: About a month ago, Elle decided to take a more proactive approach to dating and asked the narrator for potential introductions.
- Introduction to a Potential Match: The narrator connected Elle with a single man known to another friend. They began talking, and while Elle acknowledged his positive attributes, she found him unattractive due to his height and skin tone.
As the conversation progressed, Elle revealed her specific dating criteria, which raised eyebrows:
- High Standards: Elle stated she is only interested in men who are at least an “8 or better” in looks, taller than her in heels, of a certain complexion, ideally clean-shaven, possess advanced degrees, earn over $100,000 a year, have no children, and attend church regularly.
- Commitment to Abstinence: A significant point of contention was Elle’s insistence that any potential partner must agree to wait until marriage for sex. Despite being religious, she has had sexual relationships in the past.
When the narrator challenged Elle’s stringent criteria, suggesting that they might be limiting her dating prospects, tensions escalated:
- Conflict Resolution Attempt: The narrator aimed to encourage Elle to be more open-minded about her dating standards, arguing that her expectations could make dating unnecessarily difficult.
- Elle’s Reaction: Elle became furious, accusing the narrator of not being supportive and misunderstanding her faith. She felt that the narrator was being a “Debbie Downer” regarding her aspirations.
This situation highlights the complexities of family drama and wedding tension that can arise in friendships, particularly when it comes to differing values and expectations in dating. The narrator is left questioning whether she is in the wrong for trying to provide constructive feedback to her friend.
This is Original story from Reddit
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
Story
My best friend, let’s call her “Elle,” and I have been close for about 10 years. During that time, she’s been in a couple of relationships but has been single for a few years now. Amongst our friends, Elle is the only unmarried one.
She’s made it clear that she’s unhappy with being single, sincerely hopes to get into a serious relationship, and get married sooner rather than later. I can understand her frustrations, especially since she’s the only single friend who wants kids someday, and so on.
About a month ago, Elle told me that she intends to be more proactive with dating this year and asked if I had anyone to introduce her to. Unfortunately, I don’t, but another friend mentioned knowing a great guy who I happen to have met before who’s single and looking for something serious.
Elle was introduced via text to the guy, and they soon started talking on the phone. Elle says he has a lot of “good attributes,” e.g., very educated, high salary, but she finds him completely unattractive because they’re the same height—he’s 5’7″ and she’s 5’7″—and because of his darker skin tone.
I tried to convince her that his height and looks shouldn’t take precedence over his personality, but this soon led to a major revelation on her dating standards that left me completely dumbfounded.
Elle told me that she’s only interested in men who, in her words, are an “8 or better” looks-wise, taller than her when she’s wearing heels, of a certain complexion, ideally no beard, has advanced degrees, makes over 100k a year, doesn’t have kids, and is currently attending church every week or every other week.
But the big kicker that got me was that she insists that she’s unwilling to date a man who won’t commit to waiting until marriage for sex. Yes, she’s religious, but she’s not a virgin and has had sex in all past relationships.
According to Elle, this is a conversation that should be had before even the first date, and if the guy isn’t firmly agreeing, it’s a no-go. When I challenged her thoughts and logic on this, she got increasingly upset.
I told her that I think she’s asking for a very tall order, making “dating” harder than it should be. I’m not saying she should compromise on her religious values, but I am trying to tell her that she should be more open-minded about her criteria because she’s looking for a one-in-a-million guy while also prematurely shutting down and shutting out some potentially great guys because of their income and/or height.
Elle is now furious at me and says I’m not being a supportive friend. She says that I don’t understand her faith and am being something of a Debbie Downer. AITA?
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the woman in question has set unrealistic dating standards, particularly regarding her criteria for potential partners. Many users suggest that her high expectations, including specific religious and physical attributes, significantly limit her dating pool, leading to the conclusion that she may remain single if she does not adjust her criteria. Overall, the comments emphasize the importance of balancing dealbreakers and preferences in dating to avoid setting oneself up for failure.
Verdict: NTA
Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict
In navigating the complexities of friendship and differing expectations in dating, it’s essential to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Here are practical steps for both the narrator and Elle to consider in resolving their conflict:
For the Narrator:
- Listen Actively: Take the time to truly listen to Elle’s feelings and concerns about her dating life. Acknowledge her frustrations and validate her desire for a meaningful relationship.
- Express Your Intentions: Clarify that your feedback comes from a place of care and support. Emphasize that you want to see her happy and fulfilled in her search for love.
- Encourage Self-Reflection: Gently suggest that Elle reflect on her criteria and consider which aspects are truly non-negotiable versus those that may be flexible. This can help her identify potential areas for compromise.
- Share Personal Experiences: If applicable, share your own experiences with dating and relationships, highlighting how flexibility can lead to unexpected and fulfilling connections.
- Offer Support: Instead of just critiquing her standards, offer to help her explore different avenues for meeting people, such as social events, dating apps, or community groups that align with her interests.
For Elle:
- Reflect on Feedback: Take a moment to consider the narrator’s perspective. While your standards are important, being open to feedback can provide valuable insights into your dating approach.
- Assess Your Criteria: Evaluate your dating standards critically. Are they realistic? Are there qualities that you can prioritize differently? This self-assessment can help broaden your dating pool.
- Communicate Openly: Share your feelings about your dating journey with the narrator. Explain why certain criteria are important to you and how they align with your values.
- Be Open to New Experiences: Consider stepping outside your comfort zone. Engaging with people who may not fit your exact criteria could lead to meaningful connections you hadn’t anticipated.
- Seek Support from Others: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, consider talking to other friends or a counselor who can provide additional perspectives and support in your dating journey.
Conclusion
Conflict in friendships can be challenging, especially when it involves deeply personal topics like dating. By approaching the situation with empathy, open communication, and a willingness to compromise, both the narrator and Elle can work towards a resolution that strengthens their friendship while also supporting Elle’s journey in finding love.
Join the Discussion
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What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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