AITA for deliberately pretending to forget my Dad’s birthday & leaving him to spend it alone
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When Forgotten Birthdays Strike Back
In a poignant tale of familial expectations and emotional neglect, a woman grapples with her father’s consistent failure to remember her birthday, despite her efforts to celebrate his. After years of feeling overlooked, she decides to turn the tables on him, leading to a surprising and thought-provoking confrontation. This story resonates with anyone who has felt unappreciated in their relationships, especially within families where love and memory can sometimes clash. Can a missed birthday be a wake-up call for deeper connections?
Family Drama Over Birthdays: A Conflict Resolution Story
A 44-year-old woman reflects on her ongoing family drama regarding her father’s consistent failure to remember her birthday. Despite her efforts to maintain a relationship, the lack of acknowledgment has led to significant tension.
- Background: The woman’s father, aged 73, has a history of forgetting her birthday, a pattern that began in her childhood. Her mother, who passed away a decade ago, used to remember these occasions.
- Sibling Dynamics: The woman has two siblings, one older sister (46) and a younger brother (33), who also struggle to remember family birthdays. She often reminds them to reach out to their father on his special day.
- Efforts Made: In an attempt to foster family connections, she has organized surprise parties and taken her father out for dinner on his birthdays, especially after their mother’s passing.
- Communication Challenges: Despite her attempts to express her feelings about the importance of her birthday, her father dismisses her concerns, stating that birthdays are not significant.
This year, during a Christmas conversation, she confronted her father about his lack of effort. When she asked him to recall her birth year, he could not, which led to feelings of frustration and hurt. She noted that he has an excellent memory for other things, making his forgetfulness seem intentional.
- Recent Events: On his 73rd birthday, she chose not to remind her siblings, anticipating they would forget as usual. When her father called her the day before, she engaged in casual conversation but ended the call abruptly.
- His Reaction: The following day, he expressed disappointment that no one remembered his birthday, highlighting his solitude on the occasion.
- Her Response: She pointed out that he had made it clear that birthdays were unimportant to him, suggesting that he was experiencing the consequences of his actions.
While her father grudgingly acknowledged her point, he remained upset. The woman feels conflicted; she loves her father but believes this pattern will continue unless he makes a genuine effort to acknowledge her birthday in the future.
- Future Expectations: She humorously mentioned that unless he steps up with thoughtful gestures for her upcoming 45th birthday, their relationship regarding birthdays will remain unchanged.
- Ongoing Support: Despite the birthday conflict, she continues to support her father by managing his groceries and visiting him weekly for dinner.
This situation illustrates the complexities of family dynamics and the challenges of conflict resolution, particularly when it comes to emotional needs and expectations within familial relationships.
This is Original story from Reddit
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Throwaway because way too many of my friends are on Reddit!
My 44F Dad 73M has never remembered my birthday. It was slightly covered up when I was a child because my Mum always remembered. But a couple of times when she wasn’t around, it fell to him, and he totally failed.
For example, I got nothing on my 18th birthday because my Mum was away for three months. My sister 46F had a party with friends, a new dress, and lovely gifts when she turned 18. Every year it’s the same.
My two siblings, I also have a much younger brother 33M, aren’t great at this kind of thing, but I always remind them it’s Dad’s birthday so they can send him a card and call. Since my Mum died a decade ago, I usually take him out to dinner and give him a gift so he’s not alone. A couple of times I’ve thrown him a surprise party, and for his 70th, I threw a big event where his extended family flew in.
I always point out to him when he has forgotten mine. I’ve told him I find it very hurtful. He just shakes it off and says it isn’t important, even though I just told him it was important to me.
And then he forgets it again. Every year. This year at Christmas, he was talking about something relevant, so I took the opportunity to tell him that he needs to make the effort. Then I asked him when I was born.
He couldn’t even come up with the year. He mocked me for being sensitive – and inside I just let it all go. He has a phenomenal memory – it’s ludicrous that he won’t do this for me.
I don’t even want a gift, though I won’t lie, it would be nice, just a happy birthday call or a card. Well, his 73rd birthday just rolled around. I didn’t remind my siblings about it, so they both forgot.
He rang me the day before; I knew why, but I chatted about random things and then said I had to run and quickly ended the call. On his birthday, I turned off my phone and went out. He rang me the next day and said that no one remembered his birthday, not even a card or a phone call, and he spent it alone.
I guarantee that’s a first. I told him he had made it abundantly clear that birthdays were not important and that he was reaping what he’d sowed. He grumpily agreed with me, but he’s still mad.
I’m sorry his feelings got hurt because I do love him, but I think this is the way it’s going to be from now on. Unless he steps up and gets me flowers, a kitten, and some Turkish delight for my 45th, in which case we’re all good. Just FYI, I don’t neglect him.
I order his groceries every week and bring him round to dinner every Monday. And this is a blind spot for him. He’s honestly a nice man and can be very generous when it occurs to him.
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not the asshole (NTA) for their actions, as many users believe the individual in question deserved the lesson for neglecting the importance of birthdays. Commenters emphasize that if he wants to be celebrated, he should make an effort to remember and acknowledge his own birthday, reflecting a broader sentiment about accountability in relationships.
Verdict: NTA
Expert Advice for Resolving Family Birthday Conflict
Family dynamics can be challenging, especially when emotional needs and expectations are involved. In this situation, both the woman and her father have valid feelings that need to be addressed. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict:
For the Woman:
- Open Communication: Schedule a calm, private conversation with your father. Express your feelings about his forgetfulness without placing blame. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel hurt when my birthday is forgotten,” to convey your emotions.
- Set Clear Expectations: Clearly communicate what you would like from him regarding your birthday. This could include a simple phone call or a card. Make it specific and achievable.
- Encourage Family Involvement: Suggest a family calendar where everyone can note important dates. This can help remind your siblings and father of each other’s birthdays and foster a sense of collective responsibility.
- Practice Forgiveness: Acknowledge that your father may have different views on birthdays. While it’s important to express your feelings, also be open to understanding his perspective.
For the Father:
- Reflect on Your Actions: Take time to consider how your forgetfulness affects your daughter and the family dynamic. Recognizing the emotional weight of birthdays can help you understand their significance to others.
- Make an Effort: Commit to remembering important dates, starting with your daughter’s birthday. A simple gesture, like a phone call or a text, can go a long way in showing you care.
- Engage in Family Traditions: Participate in family celebrations and acknowledge the importance of these occasions. This can help strengthen family bonds and show your willingness to be involved.
- Communicate Openly: If you feel birthdays are unimportant, share your thoughts with your daughter. However, also express your willingness to meet her halfway to maintain a healthy relationship.
Moving Forward:
Both parties should approach the situation with empathy and a willingness to compromise. By fostering open communication and understanding each other’s perspectives, it’s possible to rebuild the emotional connection that has been strained. Remember, relationships require effort from both sides, and small gestures can lead to significant improvements in family dynamics.
Join the Discussion
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What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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