[UPDATE 2] AITA for cutting contact with my childhood best friend because she demanded that I break up with my fiancé?
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Family Secrets and Betrayal: A Daughter’s Heartbreaking Discovery
In a shocking dinner revelation, a young woman learns that her mother has been harboring deep-seated resentment towards her, comparing her unfavorably to a family friend. As she grapples with the possibility that her mother has been manipulating her perception of their relationship, she questions the trustworthiness of those closest to her, including her father. This story resonates with anyone who has faced familial expectations and the painful realization that not all relationships are as they seem. It raises thought-provoking questions about loyalty, love, and the hidden dynamics within families.
Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Daughter’s Perspective
The following story revolves around a complex family dynamic, highlighting issues of trust, resentment, and the impact of external influences on personal relationships.
- Background: The narrator shares their uncertainty about their father’s honesty regarding their mother’s behavior. They suspect he may have exaggerated or omitted details, leading to confusion about whom to trust.
- Family Dinner: During a recent dinner, the narrator learned about their mother’s struggles with self-image and her relationship with Mary and her mother.
- Mary’s mother often criticized the narrator’s mother, leading her to change aspects of her life to gain approval.
- The narrator’s involvement in dance classes was a direct result of this influence.
- Mother’s Comparisons: The narrator discovered that their mother had been comparing them unfavorably to Mary, expressing a desire for Mary to be her daughter instead.
- These comments included blaming the narrator for her inability to have more children after a traumatic birth experience.
- The narrator, who cannot conceive, feels this blame is misplaced and hurtful.
- Mother’s Relationship with Mary: The narrator perceives their mother’s closeness to Mary and her mother as an attempt to fulfill her own dreams of being a grandmother, which they find unsettling.
- Father’s Perspective: The narrator’s father has considered divorce due to the ongoing conflict with the mother but has hesitated out of fear of losing custody.
- He refrained from discussing the mother’s negative comments with the narrator until now, believing it would be better to wait.
- Mother’s Interference: The narrator’s mother reached out to their mother-in-law, expressing concerns about the narrator’s relationship with their fiancé, Dave.
- This action was perceived as an attempt to create conflict, which the mother-in-law dismissed.
- Emotional Impact: The narrator feels disappointed and confused by their mother’s actions and is contemplating cutting ties.
- They are concerned about the potential impact on their father’s already strained marriage.
- The narrator reflects on the lack of support from other family members, questioning why no one intervened in the past.
- Conclusion: The narrator grapples with feelings of betrayal and loss, realizing that their perception of family has been deeply affected by these revelations. They are left to navigate their next steps carefully, weighing the emotional toll of their mother’s behavior against their father’s well-being.
This is Original story from Reddit
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
Story
I just want to say this in advance: I don’t know if my dad was telling the full truth! I do believe him, but he might have exaggerated or left things out. It’s entirely possible that he lied to a certain extent – I personally don’t think that, but then again, most of the things he told me yesterday, I’ve heard about for the first time and they make him seem incredibly innocent.
Maybe he was lying? I don’t know. This whole situation just makes me question who I can trust in general.
So, we had dinner with my dad last night and it went pretty well overall. We mainly talked about my mom and Mary. Apparently, my mom had always been concerned about what others thought about her, but when she met Mary’s mother, it reached a whole new level.
Mary’s mother often criticized my mom for all sorts of things – her parenting style, her clothes, her house, you name it. Whenever it was something that my mom could change, she changed it immediately to appease Mary’s mother. That’s also why I was put into dance classes when I was younger – because Mary’s mother signed Mary up for dance classes, one of many examples.
So yeah, as most comments suggested, she’s being pushed around by Mary’s mom. Is she a narcissist? I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist. One thing to know about Mary’s family is that they do a damn good job at appearing perfect.
Happy family, nice jobs, nice house, etc. I guess my mom bought their persona and tried to copy it. I’m not going to trash talk the whole family here, but let’s just say that they have just as many flaws as any other family.
Also, my mom was apparently talking shit about me to my dad. Comparing me to Mary in basically every way, and she even said multiple times that she wished Mary was her real daughter. She also believes that I took away her chance to live her dream life.
Fun fact, but according to my dad, my mom’s apparently HUGE on family. She always wanted to have at least four children – ironic, I know. She had a pretty traumatic birth experience with me, and doctors told her that she shouldn’t try for children again – yeah, apparently she’s blaming me for that.
She then hoped that she’d get to live her dream through me – basically that I have a lot of children. Bit of TMI right here, but I’ve mentioned it in the comments a few times already, so whatever. I can’t get pregnant, like at all, which means she luckily won’t get any grandchildren from me.
I guess she sticks so close to Mary and Mary’s mother because she hopes to be a grandma to Mary’s potential children. That’s honestly so creepy and messed up in my opinion, but well, we’re talking about my mom here.
I also feel the need to clarify that I didn’t know ANY of that. My mom never said anything negative about me to my face – sure, there were some comparisons here and there, but nothing major or something that had an impact on me. It’s always been just general stuff that parents tend to do – comparing grades, behavior, skills, etc.
She’s also never directly blamed me for her inability to have any more children and never said anything bad about me not being able to conceive – this is all just stuff she apparently said behind my back. She’s always been pretty alright to me. She most definitely wasn’t the best mom ever, but she wasn’t horrible either – just a person who, in my opinion, shouldn’t have had a child in the first place.
My dad also admitted that he’d considered divorcing her a few times, but never went through with it because he was scared that my mom would get primary custody. He’s currently considering it again, so let’s see how that goes.
As for why he never stood up to my mom? He genuinely didn’t have a reason for it. He knew that my mom’s never said anything like the things above to my face, so he didn’t think that he should tell me – at least not until I moved out.
He didn’t engage in these types of conversations with my mom and kept telling her to stop every time – which caused a lot of fighting between them. I knew that their marriage was messed up, but I always thought this had different reasons.
Also, my mom reached out to my mother-in-law and complained about Dave – how he changed me and stuff, referring to me cutting off Mary and choosing my fiancé over my best friend. My MIL, who’s an absolute angel, by the way, simply asked her why she’s discussing this with her since Dave and I are adults – there’s no need to contact her for it.
My mom also told her that Mary said that Dave is cheating on me. She then simply told my mom, “Sounds like Mary’s projecting,” and hung up. I’m honestly so pissed that my mom tried to involve her in this situation, and I can’t help but wonder if she tried to create conflict between my MIL and my fiancé.
Maybe she genuinely believes Mary and wanted to warn my MIL, but I guess that would be wishful thinking. For some background, my MIL was a single mom because her ex-boyfriend, Dave’s father, cheated on her shortly after giving birth – as you might be able to imagine, she hates cheaters with a burning passion, and my mom obviously knew that.
So yeah, I guess my mom talked to Mary, who doubled down, and my mom decided to believe her. I was expecting that this would happen, but honestly, I’m really disappointed. I’m not even sad, angry, or anything – just absolutely disappointed and confused.
I’m currently considering sending her one last text before cutting her out for now, but I don’t know if I should give her the pleasure of receiving an explanation. I’m still on the fence about cutting ties with her in general, mainly for my dad’s sake.
Their marriage is rocky already, and although he’s considering divorcing her, I’m not sure if he’ll actually go through with it. Keeping in contact with one parent while not talking to the other one must put a whole lot of stress on the parent you’re still in touch with, and I quite honestly don’t want to worsen my dad’s home life any further.
It’s so crazy how I’ve lost so many people, who I considered important to me, in such a short amount of time. This whole situation also made me question other people – like my dad – a whole lot. There were so many people in my life throughout all those years, and nobody said anything??
Why didn’t my grandparents step in? Or my aunt? Or family friends?? I can’t imagine that they didn’t know about any of it, but then again, I didn’t either. I also have no idea why I never noticed that my mom held some sort of resentment towards me; shouldn’t I have noticed?
I mean, I’ve been living with her under one roof for 18 years, yet I never noticed – imagined that she actually doesn’t like me. Also, yes
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) should cut ties with her mother due to her toxic behavior and the negative impact it has on OP’s life. Many users emphasize the importance of prioritizing one’s own well-being and suggest that distancing from toxic relationships can lead to personal growth and clarity. Overall, the comments reflect a supportive stance towards OP’s decision to focus on her fiancé and her own happiness.
Verdict: NTA
Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict
Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when feelings of betrayal and resentment are involved. It’s important to approach this situation with empathy and a focus on personal well-being. Here are some practical steps for both the narrator and their family members to consider:
For the Narrator
- Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to process your emotions regarding your mother’s behavior. Journaling can help clarify your thoughts and feelings.
- Set Boundaries: If you decide to maintain a relationship with your mother, establish clear boundaries about what behaviors are unacceptable. Communicate these boundaries calmly and assertively.
- Communicate Openly: Consider having a candid conversation with your mother about how her comments have affected you. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame, such as “I feel hurt when I hear comparisons to Mary.”
- Seek Support: Lean on your fiancé, friends, or a therapist for emotional support. Discussing your feelings with someone who understands can provide clarity and comfort.
- Evaluate the Relationship: If your mother continues to exhibit toxic behavior despite your efforts, it may be necessary to distance yourself for your own mental health. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your well-being.
For the Father
- Encourage Open Dialogue: Create a safe space for your daughter to express her feelings about her mother. Listen actively and validate her emotions without judgment.
- Address Your Own Feelings: Reflect on your own feelings about the marriage and the impact of your wife’s behavior. Consider seeking counseling to navigate your emotions and decisions.
- Support Your Daughter: Stand by your daughter’s decisions regarding her relationship with her mother. Show her that you value her well-being and are willing to support her choices.
- Consider Family Counseling: If appropriate, suggest family therapy as a way to address underlying issues and improve communication among family members.
For the Mother
- Self-Reflection: Encourage her to reflect on her behavior and the impact it has on her relationships. Understanding her motivations can lead to personal growth.
- Seek Professional Help: Suggest that she consider therapy to address her insecurities and the need for external validation. A professional can help her develop healthier coping mechanisms.
- Apologize and Acknowledge Hurt: If she recognizes her behavior as harmful, an honest apology to her daughter can be a significant step toward healing. Acknowledging the pain caused can open the door to reconciliation.
- Focus on Building Trust: Encourage her to work on rebuilding trust with her daughter by being supportive and respectful of her choices moving forward.
Conclusion
Family conflicts can be painful, but they also present opportunities for growth and understanding. By taking proactive steps and fostering open communication, all parties involved can work toward healing and healthier relationships. Remember, prioritizing mental health and well-being is essential for everyone in the family.
Join the Discussion
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What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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