WIBTA if I ask my brother and his family to remove me from the annual Christmas letter recipient list
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When Family Beliefs Clash: A Holiday Dilemma
In a heartfelt exploration of family dynamics, a Jewish woman grapples with the annual Christmas card from her Evangelical brother, which she finds both disrespectful and intrusive. Despite her attempts to maintain a loving relationship, the proselytizing tone of the card leaves her feeling dehumanized and frustrated. This story resonates with many who navigate the complexities of differing beliefs within their families, raising questions about respect, boundaries, and the true meaning of love during the holiday season.
Family Drama Over Holiday Cards: A Conflict Resolution Dilemma
A Reddit user recently shared their experience regarding ongoing family tension stemming from holiday cards sent by their Evangelical Christian brother. The situation has sparked a significant discussion about respect, boundaries, and the complexities of interfaith relationships. Here’s a summary of the key points:
- Background: The user comes from a Jewish family with Eastern European roots. While they were raised in a Jewish household, their family is not particularly observant today. They celebrate holidays like Chanukah but do not actively practice their faith.
- Brother’s Conversion: One of the user’s brothers converted to Evangelical Christianity, adopting beliefs that reject the validity of other religions. His family, including his wife and children, also identifies as Evangelical.
- Ongoing Tension: Despite initial discussions about boundaries, the brother continues to send Christmas cards that include religious messages, which the user finds offensive. The cards often contain proselytizing language, suggesting that the family should accept Jesus as their Savior.
- Emotional Impact: The user expresses frustration and hurt over receiving these cards, feeling that they undermine their identity and beliefs. They have previously chosen to ignore the cards but are now reconsidering their approach.
- Desire for Resolution: The user wishes to maintain a good relationship with their brother while also wanting to express their discomfort. They are contemplating asking to be removed from the Christmas card mailing list but are concerned about the potential fallout.
- Community Feedback: After posting on Reddit, the user received a variety of responses. Many commenters emphasized the importance of open communication and understanding in family dynamics. Some shared insights from their own experiences with Evangelical families, highlighting the challenges of navigating differing beliefs.
- Conclusion: The user acknowledges that a heart-to-heart conversation about their feelings may not be feasible at this time. They have decided to recycle the cards unopened in the future to avoid conflict while preserving their relationship with their brother.
This situation illustrates the complexities of family drama, especially when it involves differing religious beliefs. The user’s journey reflects the challenges of conflict resolution in maintaining familial bonds while asserting personal boundaries.
This is Original story from Reddit
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
UPDATE
Whoa, I never expected this post would get so many comments. First, I should tell you I made this card and sent it to the Evangelical members of my family before I posted here on Reddit.
I’ve read and thought about virtually all the comments—not the sprinkling from anti-Semitic trolls—and would like to respond in general. I can see that because I posted about this on Reddit, it seems like I’m making too big a deal about a card letter.
What upsets me isn’t “a dumb card”; it’s the proselytizing that comes with the card. Instead of the card, I might have posted about how furious I was in my grief at the funeral service for my brother’s youngest, 23M, when, at my brother’s request I later learned, the minister beseeched those present who had not accepted Jesus as their Savior to do so.
But I let go of that long ago and never remotely considered saying anything to my brother about it. Several comments prompted me to think of this now, so I mention it only for the broader context.
I’d especially like to thank those of you who read my post carefully enough to understand I would like to have a better, more honest, and open relationship with my brother. Another one of my brothers expressed what I realized was also part of my thought process: “If I was ever doing something to hurt others and I had no idea I was doing this, then I would really want them to tell me because that isn’t who I ever want to be.”
I don’t think my brother and his family are “evil” or “evilish,” not at all; I do think they’re sanctimonious. I know my brother wants everyone to be safe, well, and happy, but according to the values and rigid dogma of his chosen faith.
I believe he and his family truly don’t understand “how their religious paradigm fundamentally dehumanizes others,” a comment from someone who “grew up fundamentalist Southern Baptist and is now a progressive Methodist pastor.” I would absolutely want to know if anyone—not just people I care about—felt I were disrespecting them in any way, so I considered trying to have that conversation with my brother.
It never occurred to me that asking my brother and his family to take me off their mailing lists was “a hill to die on,” “a fight to the death,” or the start of “a holy war!” Jeez, some of y’all need to learn the difference between a valid inference and a wild assumption.
Nor is this in any way about Christmas vs. Chanukah, Christians vs. Jews, or any other religion, or my inability to accept differences. As I said in my original post, many years ago I told my brother that although I will never be a Christian, “I am happy for you and your family and have no desire whatsoever to dissuade you from what you believe.”
But several comments have clarified for me that therein lies the rub. What Evangelicals believe demands that they keep proselytizing.
I’d like to add in response to several comments that I’m grateful for all prayers and good wishes sent to me and my family. When one of my children was diagnosed with a potentially fatal medical condition, friends of all religions asked if they could pray for him, and several specifically asked if they could add him to their church’s prayer list.
I’m a believer in the power of prayer, all prayers, and my response was always a profoundly heartfelt thank you. Again, I just don’t want to be told how I should pray.
“Return to sender” is out because I don’t want to harm our relationship. Wanting to be understood and seen for who I am by people I love is not kvetching.
I haven’t just tossed the Christmas cards from my brother and his family like a piece of junk mail up till now because that would have felt callous to me, even though the cards invariably piss me off. So, yeah, I’ve been in a quandary.
I’m someone who’s willing to have the hard conversations in the spirit of trying to make things better, not “escalate” them. It feels hypocritical to vent with my Jewish siblings but never say a word to my brother and his family about how disrespected we feel.
But after reading all the comments, the most enlightening for me from insiders/former Evangelicals, I accept the heart-to-heart conversation I’d love to have within the context of asking to be removed from the mailing list is not possible for now and maybe never will be. I now accept that to maintain a relationship I value with my brother, there will be times I’ll just have to get over feeling hypocritical.
An especially enlightening comment for me was the one explaining that “None come to the Father except through Him” is “just considered normal communication for Evangelicals. It’s how they say Hello. It’s how they speak to everyone, even people in their own religion that they know already believe the same things.”
I had a light bulb moment. It’s akin to “Under his eye” in Gilead. I’ll take the advice from so many of you and next year recycle the card unopened. Thank you for taking the time to comment on my post.
ORIGINAL POST
WIBTA if I asked my brother and his family to leave my name off their Christmas card mailing list next year?
Here’s some background before I explain the problem with their Christmas cards. My family is Jewish, with Eastern European Jewish roots on both my father’s and mother’s side.
Raised in a sporadically observant Jewish home, none of us are particularly observant now aside from saying Happy New Year in the fall, lighting the menorah candles for Chanukah, and occasionally attending a Seder. But whenever any of us meets an elderly Jewish New Yorker, we instantly feel like they’re family.
All this is to say we very much feel that we’re Jewish, MOT1 and all that. Spiritually, we each follow our own path, including atheism in some cases.
Long ago, however, one of my brothers became an Evangelical Christian, embracing a version of Christianity that denies the validity of all other religions. His wife, raised Catholic, and his son and son’s family are also Evangelical Christians.
In the early years of my brother’s conversion, there was a struggle to set boundaries—no, I don’t believe and will never believe our souls need saving from eternal hellfire, but I am happy for you and your family and have no desire whatsoever to dissuade you from what you believe.
Now to get to the point. The conversations exhorting us to accept Jesus as our Savior have ended, for the most part, but the entire Jewish side of the family is still receiving THE CHRISTMAS CARD/LETTER from someone in my brother’s family, and we’re stunned that they don’t realize how offensive this is.
We joke about sending them a Chanukah card,
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus around the idea of simply discarding the Christmas cards without engaging in any discussion. Many users suggest that returning the cards or throwing them away is the best way to avoid potential drama and communicate disinterest in the religious overtures. Overall, the comments reflect a desire to maintain personal boundaries while navigating complex family dynamics.
Verdict: NTA
Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict
Navigating family dynamics, especially when it involves differing religious beliefs, can be challenging. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict while respecting both sides:
For the User
- Reflect on Your Feelings: Take some time to understand your emotions regarding the holiday cards. Acknowledge your frustration and hurt, but also consider the love you have for your brother and his family.
- Set Clear Boundaries: If you decide to communicate your discomfort, be clear about your boundaries. You might say something like, “I appreciate your holiday greetings, but I would prefer not to receive religious messages.” This sets a respectful tone while asserting your needs.
- Choose Your Method of Communication: If you feel comfortable, consider having a conversation in person or via a phone call. If that feels too daunting, a thoughtful email or message can also convey your feelings without immediate confrontation.
- Practice Self-Care: If the situation becomes overwhelming, prioritize your emotional well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you process your feelings, such as talking to friends or participating in hobbies.
For Your Brother
- Encourage Open Dialogue: If your brother is open to it, suggest having a conversation about your differing beliefs. This can help him understand your perspective and foster mutual respect.
- Respect Boundaries: If you communicate your discomfort, it’s important for him to respect your wishes. Encourage him to consider how his actions may affect your relationship.
- Focus on Common Ground: Remind him of the shared values and love that exist within your family, regardless of differing beliefs. This can help maintain a positive relationship despite the differences.
Finding a Middle Ground
Ultimately, the goal is to maintain a loving relationship while respecting each other’s beliefs. Here are some additional tips:
- Consider Alternative Greetings: Suggest that your brother send non-religious holiday cards or greetings that focus on family and togetherness, which can be more inclusive.
- Be Patient: Change may take time. Allow space for both parties to adjust to new boundaries and understand each other better.
- Seek Support: If needed, consider involving a neutral family member or counselor to facilitate discussions and help mediate the situation.
By approaching the situation with empathy and understanding, both you and your brother can work towards a resolution that honors your individual beliefs while preserving your familial bond.
Join the Discussion
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
Share your thoughts below! Vote: Do you agree with Reddit’s verdict?
