AITA for not paying my dad back after he technically owes me tens of thousands?
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When Family Ties Are Tested by Betrayal
In a heart-wrenching tale of familial betrayal, a woman grapples with the emotional fallout of her father’s infidelity and the financial scars it left behind. After discovering that her father not only cheated on her mother but also squandered her college fund, she now faces a dilemma when he demands repayment for a loan that feels trivial in comparison to the debt of trust he owes her. This story resonates with anyone who has navigated complex family dynamics, especially when past wounds resurface in unexpected ways.
- Relatable Themes: The struggle of reconciling love for a parent with the pain of their betrayal.
- Thought-Provoking Dilemma: The question of responsibility and fairness in family relationships.
Family Drama Over a Loan: A Conflict Resolution Dilemma
In a complex family situation, a 29-year-old woman reflects on her relationship with her father, who has a troubled past. The following points outline the key elements of the story:
- Background: The father, aged 60, cheated on the mother and created another family. This betrayal led to the mother discovering the affair when the daughter was 15 years old.
- Financial Betrayal: The father spent the college fund that the mother had saved for the daughter on his other family, further complicating their relationship.
- Narcissism Diagnosis: The father was diagnosed as a narcissist, which has affected his emotional openness and ability to communicate effectively with his daughter.
- Current Relationship: The daughter maintains a wall between herself and her father, as he has never directly apologized for his actions.
Recently, the father lent the daughter $300 during a period of unemployment. However, he later claimed that the amount was actually $800, leading to a conflict over the repayment:
- Loan Discrepancy: The daughter provided a receipt confirming the loan was only $300, but the father insists on the higher amount.
- Emotional Response: The daughter feels conflicted about the situation, considering the emotional and financial debts that her father owes her due to his past actions.
- Father’s Expectations: The father argues that a year is too long to wait for repayment and emphasizes the importance of learning responsibility.
The daughter is now contemplating whether she would be the “asshole” for not repaying the loan, given the context of their strained relationship and her father’s history. She is seeking advice on how to approach this situation:
- Considerations: Should she prioritize the emotional weight of their past over the financial obligation? Is it fair to hold her father accountable for his previous actions when it comes to this loan?
- Conflict Resolution: What would be the best way to communicate her feelings to her father while addressing the loan issue? Should she express her perspective on responsibility in light of their family drama?
Ultimately, the daughter is left to navigate this family tension and determine the best course of action regarding the loan repayment and her relationship with her father.
This is Original story from Reddit
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
Story
For context, my dad, a 60-year-old man, cheated on my mom, had another family, and spent the college fund my mom had been saving for me since birth on the other woman. That’s actually how my mom figured out he was cheating when I, a 29-year-old woman, was around 15 years old. He was diagnosed as a narcissist and never talked about it with me; he never directly apologized.
We sort of act like it’s never happened. He’s not emotionally open; he wants to be close to me, but I have a wall up. Last year, when I was unemployed, he lent me $300.
The other day, he called me saying that his wife told him it was actually $800. I sent him the receipt showing it was $300. But honestly, I’m just sitting here like it’s $300, you’re my dad, and you technically owe me tens of thousands.
Would I be the asshole if I just didn’t pay him back? He says a year is too long and I need to learn about responsibility. What should I tell him?
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the father is at fault for his financial irresponsibility and manipulation. Users emphasize that he should be held accountable for the money he took, with many suggesting that the OP should approach repayment creatively while ensuring they are not financially burdened. Overall, the comments reflect a belief that the father needs to learn responsibility and that the OP is justified in their stance.
Verdict: YTA
Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict
Navigating family dynamics, especially when financial matters are involved, can be incredibly challenging. Here are some practical steps for the daughter to consider in resolving the conflict with her father while addressing both sides of the situation:
- Reflect on Your Feelings: Before approaching your father, take some time to reflect on your emotions regarding the loan and your relationship. Acknowledge the hurt from his past actions and how they impact your current feelings about the loan repayment.
- Gather Evidence: Ensure you have all relevant documentation, such as the receipt for the loan amount. This will help clarify the situation and provide a basis for your discussion.
- Choose the Right Time and Place: Find a calm and neutral environment to discuss the issue. Avoid times of high stress or emotional turmoil to ensure a more productive conversation.
- Communicate Openly: When you talk to your father, express your feelings honestly but respectfully. Use “I” statements to convey how his actions have affected you, such as, “I feel hurt and confused about the loan situation because of our past.” This can help prevent him from becoming defensive.
- Address the Loan Discrepancy: Present the evidence of the loan amount clearly. Explain that you are willing to repay the $300 as agreed, but you cannot take on the additional amount he claims. Emphasize the importance of honesty in your relationship.
- Set Boundaries: If your father continues to manipulate the situation, it may be necessary to set clear boundaries regarding financial interactions. Let him know that while you appreciate his help, you need to prioritize your emotional well-being.
- Consider Creative Repayment Options: If you feel comfortable, propose a repayment plan that works for you. This could involve small payments over time or offering to help him with tasks in exchange for the loan. This shows your willingness to take responsibility while also protecting your financial situation.
- Seek Support: If the conversation becomes too overwhelming, consider seeking support from a trusted friend or therapist. They can provide guidance and help you process your feelings about the situation.
- Evaluate the Relationship: After the discussion, take some time to evaluate your relationship with your father. Consider whether it is healthy for you to maintain contact and what boundaries you may need to establish moving forward.
Ultimately, the goal is to communicate your feelings and establish a sense of accountability while also protecting your emotional and financial well-being. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your needs in this complex family dynamic.
Join the Discussion
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What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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