AITA for waking up my partner after he falls asleep to organise himself and his belongings?
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Is She Being a Mom or Just Frustrated?
In a relatable tale of modern relationships, a young woman grapples with the challenges of living with her fiancé, who struggles to manage his ADHD and establish a routine after long workdays. As she finds herself increasingly frustrated by his lack of responsibility—like leaving dirty dishes and neglecting basic self-care—she questions whether her attempts to help him are crossing a line into nagging. This story resonates with many who have faced the delicate balance of supporting a partner while feeling overwhelmed by their habits. Can love survive when one partner feels more like a caretaker than an equal?
Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Wedding Tension Story
A 24-year-old woman shares her experience living with her fiancé, a 23-year-old man diagnosed with ADHD. The couple is navigating challenges related to his new job and daily routines, leading to rising tensions in their relationship.
- Background:
- The woman has recently completed her studies and is currently seeking employment.
- Her fiancé has started a physically demanding job that requires him to be on his feet for nine hours each day.
- He is on medication for ADHD, which affects his ability to establish a routine.
- Current Routine:
- After work, he typically comes home, sits down, and scrolls through his phone.
- He helps with dinner but quickly returns to gaming or phone use.
- He often neglects basic self-care tasks, such as changing out of work clothes, brushing his teeth, or washing dishes.
- He tends to fall asleep without charging his phone or preparing for the next day, leading to frustration.
- Rising Frustration:
- The woman feels overwhelmed by the responsibility of managing household tasks and her fiancé’s routines.
- She has been waking him up after he falls asleep to remind him to charge his phone, change clothes, and set alarms.
- Despite her intentions, this has led to increased conflict, with her fiancé becoming upset with her reminders.
- Feelings of Guilt:
- The woman struggles with feelings of guilt, questioning whether she should be more grateful for her fiancé’s hard work.
- She expresses concern about feeling like a caretaker rather than a partner, which is affecting her emotional well-being.
- Seeking Advice:
- She turns to Reddit for guidance, asking if her actions are unreasonable or if she is being too harsh.
- Her story highlights the complexities of managing relationships where one partner has ADHD and the impact on daily life.
This situation illustrates the challenges of conflict resolution in relationships, especially when dealing with family drama and wedding tension. The couple may benefit from open communication and possibly seeking professional help to navigate their issues more effectively.
This is Original story from Reddit
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Story
I, a 24-year-old female, live with my fiancé, a 23-year-old male. Quick background info: he is diagnosed with ADHD and is taking meds for it. He has recently acquired a new physical job, which has him on his feet for 9 hours a day.
Something that really bothers me is that he can never get into a routine and then gets mad about the consequences of that. His current routine is that he gets home from work, sits down, and scrolls on his phone. He will help with dinner, and then he’s back to video gaming or on his phone.
Then he will have a late-night snack and just pass out on the bed. He doesn’t charge his phone, get changed out of his work clothes, brush his teeth, wash his dishes, or anything. He simply passes out, and then the next day is upset when his phone is flat, his clothes are smelly, and he’s tired.
Lately, I’ve been waking him up just after he passes out to tell him to get up, get changed, charge his phone, and set his alarms. Is this a dick move? It’s so frustrating to have to hear him complain about these things that he’s only doing to himself.
I’ve spent months putting his phone on charge for him, washing his dishes, and his clothes, and I’m almost about to leave because I feel like a mother picking up after her child. So, I’ve been putting it on him, and he’s only getting more mad at me. Am I the asshole? He works, and I don’t, so there’s a feeling that maybe I should just be grateful.
Thanks, Reddit.
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a consensus that the original poster (OP) is not the asshole (NTA) for wanting to address her partner’s behavior related to his ADHD. Many users emphasize the importance of communication and personal accountability, suggesting that while OP can offer reminders, her partner must ultimately take responsibility for his actions and manage his condition. There is a shared understanding that the dynamic should not resemble a parent-child relationship, and both partners should work together to establish effective routines.
Overall Verdict: NTA
Expert Advice for Resolving Conflict in Relationships with ADHD
Navigating a relationship where one partner has ADHD can be challenging, but with open communication and mutual understanding, it is possible to create a supportive environment for both individuals. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict:
For the Original Poster (OP)
- Communicate Openly: Schedule a calm time to discuss your feelings and concerns with your fiancé. Use “I” statements to express how his actions affect you, such as “I feel overwhelmed when household tasks are neglected.”
- Set Boundaries: Clearly define your responsibilities and his. Discuss what tasks each of you can manage without feeling overwhelmed or resentful.
- Encourage Independence: Instead of waking him up to remind him of tasks, consider discussing strategies he can implement to remember them himself, such as setting alarms or using a planner.
- Practice Patience: Understand that change takes time, especially for someone managing ADHD. Celebrate small victories together to encourage progress.
- Seek Support: Consider couples counseling or ADHD coaching to help both of you navigate these challenges with professional guidance.
For the Fiancé
- Take Responsibility: Acknowledge the impact of your actions on your partner. Recognize that while ADHD presents challenges, it is important to take ownership of your routines and responsibilities.
- Communicate Your Needs: Share with your partner what strategies work best for you in managing your ADHD. This could include specific reminders or tools that help you stay organized.
- Establish Routines Together: Work collaboratively to create a daily routine that accommodates both your needs. This could involve setting specific times for self-care and household tasks.
- Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your own well-being by implementing self-care routines that help you recharge after work, such as short breaks or physical activity.
- Be Open to Feedback: Listen to your partner’s concerns without becoming defensive. Use this feedback as an opportunity for growth and improvement.
Conclusion
Both partners in a relationship have a role to play in creating a balanced and supportive environment. By fostering open communication, setting clear expectations, and working together, you can navigate the complexities of living with ADHD while strengthening your partnership. Remember, it’s about teamwork and understanding each other’s perspectives.
Join the Discussion
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What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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