AITAH for Not Serving as Much Food as I Know My Dinner Guests Will Want to Eat?
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When Generosity Meets Unexpected Challenges
In a tight-knit friend group that gathers for monthly dinners, one host faces a dilemma when a new guest’s eating habits challenge her generous spirit. After serving a lavish meal, she is taken aback by the sheer quantity consumed by Melissa, a friend who weighs 500-600 lbs, leading to tension among the group. As the next dinner approaches, the host grapples with balancing her desire to be accommodating with the rising costs of food and the expectations of her friends. This relatable story raises thought-provoking questions about hospitality, body image, and the complexities of friendship in a world where food often symbolizes love and acceptance.
Family Drama Over Dinner: Navigating Wedding Tension and Dietary Needs
In a close-knit friend group that meets monthly for dinner, a recent addition has sparked some family drama and wedding tension. The host, who has lost a significant amount of weight, prides herself on being a generous and accommodating host. However, the dynamics shifted when a new guest, Melissa, joined the group.
- Background: The host has lost 100 lbs and is working on losing another 50 lbs. She believes in making her guests comfortable and ensuring no one leaves hungry.
- Friend Group Dynamics: The group meets monthly at either the host’s or another friend’s home, Joan, as they have the space to accommodate everyone.
- New Relationship: Polly, a member of the group, recently announced she has a girlfriend, which brought joy to the group, especially since Polly had been lonely for a long time.
During one dinner, the host prepared a meal that included a large lasagna, which was met with unexpected reactions from the group.
- Melissa’s Arrival: The host was welcoming to Melissa, who weighs between 500-600 lbs. Despite her surprise at Melissa’s size, she focused on being a good host.
- Meal Serving: The host served salad and soup first, followed by two large pans of lasagna. When she returned to the dining room, she was taken aback to see Melissa with an excessive amount of food on her plate.
- Group Reaction: The other guests appeared shocked, and Polly seemed protective of Melissa, signaling the host not to comment on the situation.
After the dinner, the dynamics shifted further when Joan hosted the next meal.
- Joan’s Approach: Joan served pre-plated meals to manage portion sizes. When Melissa requested more food, Joan had to decline, leading to tension between Polly and Joan.
- Textual Conflict: Polly texted both Joan and the host, expressing her disappointment in their handling of Melissa’s eating habits, accusing them of being controlling.
As the host prepares for her next turn to host, she faces a dilemma regarding how to accommodate Melissa’s needs without straining her budget.
- Menu Planning: The host is considering whether to buy larger roasts to satisfy Melissa or to simplify the menu to manage costs.
- Financial Considerations: The group typically chips in for meals, but rising costs have made it challenging to maintain the same level of dining experience.
- Personal Reflection: The host reflects on her own past eating habits and feels uncertain about how to handle the situation without offending Melissa or appearing stingy.
As the host contemplates her options, she wonders if she would be the “asshole” for serving less food than she knows her guests might want, highlighting the complexities of conflict resolution in family drama surrounding food and social gatherings.
This is Original story from Reddit
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
First Update
First, I want to be clear that I do not believe in body-shaming or food policing. Having lost 100 lbs myself and working on another 50, I have no place to judge anyone for what they eat. I pride myself on being a generous host who makes my guests comfortable and feeds them well.
Nobody leaves my house hungry has always been my rule.
The Problem
I have a friend group who meets monthly at either my or “Joan’s” home for dinner; nobody else has enough space to host. Recently, “Polly” announced she had a girlfriend, which made us all happy. Polly has been lonely for a long time.
I was the first to host “Melissa.” Melissa is 500-600 lbs. I’ve never met anyone that big, but I hid my surprise and was warm and welcoming.
No problem; I have sturdy furniture. For dinner, I served bowls of salad, then soup. Melissa insisted on keeping her empty bowls at the table.
I didn’t think much of it; I’m not Emily Post. Then I brought out the main course, two 9X13 pans of 14-layer lasagna, cut into 8 pieces each. There were 10 of us altogether.
I told people to dig in as I got the bread out of the oven. When I got back to the dining room, everyone looked so shocked I thought my cat had farted; his mouse farts could suffocate an elephant. Then I saw that Melissa had four pieces of lasagna heaped on her plate, two in her salad bowl, and two in her soup bowl.
Polly was glaring like “don’t you dare say a word.” Melissa seemed utterly oblivious. I didn’t know what to do. I just sat down.
Joan and I shared one piece of lasagna, and everyone else got a full piece. I cut the cake into equal portions for dessert, but I had to make an extra batch of sauce and get an extra tub of ice cream out. Melissa ate at least a liter.
The Next Month
The next month, on Joan’s turn, she served every course pre-plated, and when Melissa asked for extra, Joan apologized and said there was none. Truthfully, Joan is very organized and precise. Melissa and Polly left right after dinner, and Polly texted Joan, berating her for “controlling” Melissa’s eating.
Polly also texted me, saying she trusted I’d be sensitive to Melissa’s needs on my next turn. That turn is almost here. My plan was roast dinner, pork, and beef.
I can easily make lots of cheap veg and dessert, but meat is pricey right now, and I’d have to serve twice the norm to satisfy Melissa. I know I cannot just trust she’ll take a tenth of what’s there, considering she grabbed a whole lasagna last time. So do I suck it up and just buy much larger roasts?
Do I make a few big batches of cheap soup and biscuits and serve that rather than strain my budget? I don’t want to upset Melissa or be a stingy host, but I have never dealt with someone like this before. I was obese, but I would have eaten maybe 2 pieces of lasagna, not 8.
Do I just serve a reasonable-sized meal and tell Polly and Melissa, “sorry, that’s all I have”? AITAH if I serve less food than I know my guests will want?
Edited to Add
Everyone in the group who doesn’t cook—so 7 people before Melissa joined—chips in $25 per meal to whoever hosts. That, until inflation got so bad, covered enough of the food cost to make it feasible. Joan and I have both been simplifying our menus a bit to deal with rising costs, but the idea is to give ourselves and our friends a night off from the humdrum world and pretend we live glamorous, elegant lives.
We use fine china and dress nicely and play classical music. Right before Melissa, I was going to ask if we could increase the chip-in to $30 a plate. I have the most resources out of anyone in the group, and I can afford to go out-of-pocket a bit more than Joan.
None of the rest have the money, space, or culinary skills to put this together. Joan and I can cook like Julia Child. We are a ragtag lot with a variety of neurodivergences and mental health issues.
These meals give us something special to look forward to.
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a unanimous agreement that Melissa’s behavior at the dinner was inconsiderate and selfish, particularly her decision to take an excessive amount of food without ensuring there was enough for everyone. Many users emphasize that all guests should contribute to the meal, either through food or financial support, and express concern for the dynamics of the friendship between Polly and Melissa. Overall, the comments reflect a strong sentiment that such behavior is unacceptable in a communal setting.
Verdict: NTA
Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict
Navigating the complexities of friendship dynamics, especially when it comes to food and dietary needs, can be challenging. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict while being considerate of everyone’s feelings and needs.
For the Host
- Open Communication: Reach out to Polly and Melissa individually to discuss the situation. Express your desire to accommodate everyone while also being honest about your budget constraints. This can help clear the air and foster understanding.
- Set Clear Expectations: When planning the next dinner, consider sending a group message outlining the menu and asking for input on portion sizes. This way, everyone can contribute to the conversation and feel included in the decision-making process.
- Consider Dietary Needs: Ask Melissa if she has specific dietary preferences or needs. This shows that you care about her comfort and can help you plan a menu that works for everyone.
- Portion Control Strategies: If you’re concerned about portion sizes, consider serving food family-style or having a designated server. This can help manage how much food is taken while still allowing guests to enjoy the meal.
For Polly and Melissa
- Understanding the Host’s Perspective: Polly should recognize that the host is trying to balance her own dietary journey with the needs of the group. Acknowledging the host’s efforts can help ease tensions.
- Encourage Open Dialogue: Polly can facilitate a conversation with the group about everyone’s needs and preferences. This can help create a more inclusive environment where everyone feels heard.
- Be Mindful of Portions: Melissa should be aware of how her eating habits might affect others at the table. Encouraging her to take a reasonable portion can help maintain harmony during meals.
Group Dynamics
- Foster Inclusivity: Encourage all members of the group to contribute to meals, whether through cooking, bringing a dish, or contributing financially. This can help alleviate the burden on the host and promote a sense of community.
- Plan Together: Consider rotating the responsibility of meal planning among all members. This can help everyone feel invested in the dining experience and ensure that everyone’s needs are considered.
By taking these steps, the group can work towards a more harmonious dining experience that respects everyone’s needs and fosters a supportive environment. Remember, open communication and empathy are key to resolving conflicts and maintaining strong friendships.
Join the Discussion
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What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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