AITH for telling our roommate his kids can’t come here anymore, then giving him notice when he refused?
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When Kindness Turns into Chaos: A Houseguest Dilemma
After opening their home to a friend in need, a couple finds themselves overwhelmed by the chaos that ensues when his children wreak havoc in their shared space. What started as a compassionate gesture quickly spirals into a nightmare of messes, broken belongings, and escalating tensions. As the couple grapples with the consequences of their kindness, they must confront the difficult decision of whether to prioritize their family’s well-being over their friend’s struggles. This relatable story raises thought-provoking questions about boundaries, responsibility, and the limits of generosity in the face of overwhelming circumstances.
Family Drama Over Living Arrangements: A Conflict Resolution Dilemma
A year ago, a couple, both in their late twenties, decided to help an old friend, Adam, by allowing him to move into their home. Adam, a 30-year-old father of three boys, faced challenges with his living situation that prevented his children from staying with him. The couple, who have a six-year-old daughter, felt sympathetic and offered Adam the basement of their home, while they occupied the top floor. The main floor was designated as a shared common area.
- Initial Agreement: Adam was informed that all parties were responsible for maintaining cleanliness in shared spaces and that everyone should clean their own areas.
- Background on Adam’s Situation: Adam explained that two of his three children were not biologically his, which complicated his living arrangements. The couple agreed to allow the children to visit twice a week.
Initially, the living situation seemed manageable, but issues soon arose:
- Cleaning Issues: The couple frequently had to remind Adam about cleaning, and unpleasant odors began emanating from the basement.
- Children’s Behavior: The couple discovered that Adam’s children were sneaking upstairs while he slept, leading to chaos, including broken items and food theft.
- Escalating Problems: The situation worsened when the couple found their ice cream sandwiches half-eaten and melted throughout the house.
In response to the escalating issues, the couple implemented several measures:
- Locking Doors: They installed a lock on the basement door to keep the children contained while Adam slept.
- Bathroom Lock Removal: They removed the lock on the bathroom door after the children began locking themselves in and causing damage.
- Baby Gate Installation: A baby gate was put up to prevent the children from accessing the living room, but it was torn down multiple times.
As the couple prepared for the arrival of their second child, they decided it was time for Adam to move out. However, tensions escalated further when a significant incident occurred:
- Laundry Room Incident: The wife discovered that the laundry room was covered in urine, leading to a breakdown and a call to her husband.
- Final Decision: After discussing the situation, the husband informed Adam that his children could no longer visit and that he had 60 days to find a new place to live.
While the couple’s family and friends supported their decision, some expressed concern that they were unfairly targeting the children. The couple is now left questioning whether they were in the wrong for their actions.
In light of the ongoing family drama and wedding tension surrounding their living situation, they seek clarity on whether they are the ones at fault in this conflict resolution scenario.
This is Original story from Reddit
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
Story
A year ago, my husband (31M) and I (29F) decided to let an old friend of ours… Let’s name him Adam (30M) move in, as his living situation wouldn’t allow his children there. All boys, ages 7, 4, and 1, we have a daughter aged 6, so we felt for his situation. Adam would get the whole basement with his own full-sized fridge; the top floor is ours, and the main floor was a shared common area.
Adam was told that common areas are kept clean by all parties, and everyone is expected to clean their half of the house themselves. We asked Adam why his kids weren’t welcomed at his old place. He said that 2 of the 3 kids are not his. He was with a girl for 2 years on and off and had a baby with her.
However, the people he lived with don’t like him playing daddy to the oldest when they aren’t his kids. My husband and I found it very strange, but we agreed that 2 nights a week was okay with us. The first few months were okay, despite having to remind him about cleaning and the smell that was coming from the basement.
Until one morning, I woke up and stood there in horror when I found raw eggs and shells all over the house! I screamed so loud that Adam came running. After seeing what happened, he investigated, then came back up to apologize.
His excuse was that he overslept and the oldest admitted that he went into my fridge and couldn’t help himself when he saw the big 30-pack of eggs. From there on, the 2 oldest kept sneaking upstairs early in the morning while Adam slept. They were breaking things, stealing things, eating things, and even started going to the top floor where we live.
Each time, Adam would give an apology and promise to do better to keep them under control. My final straw was when I woke up to my brand new Costco pack of ice cream sandwiches half eaten, melted, and smooshed into multiple surfaces of the house. It started with a lock on the basement door so Adam could keep the kids downstairs while he slept.
Then we had to remove the lock on the bathroom door because they started locking themselves in and peeing on all surfaces of the bathroom. We put a baby gate up to keep them out of the living room because they kept stealing and breaking things. They ripped it down twice, and I ended up screwing it into the wall instead.
Present day, our house is so locked down that his kids are only able to be in the basement. The smell from the basement is so strong, like sour milk and vomit, that people refuse to come here anymore, and Adam keeps claiming there is no smell. Adam has never used a single cleaning product to clean except baby wipes.
The downstairs furniture is all coated in some gross sticky film. There is paint missing from the walls and some holes. When we found out I was pregnant, we decided Adam needed to leave for obvious reasons.
We were planning on waiting a little as we just wanted him to move before the baby is born, and I am only 2 months along… but then Thursday happened. I was home alone, so I decided to take advantage of it, blasted some music, and started cleaning.
An hour later, I went to throw in a load of laundry. I grabbed the bottle of detergent… it was covered in pee. Pee was everywhere!!! The laundry tub was clogged with pee, on the floor, side of the washer, now all over my hands, EVERYWHERE!!!
I cleaned it up, put my load in, and called my husband crying. My husband was pissed and messaged our group chat, saying what happened and how the 2 oldest kids can’t come here any longer. Adam apologized and said how sorry he is that I cleaned it and that it upset me.
Then he stated how those are his children and it’s unfair to say they can’t come here, and he is going to bring them anyways. Long story short, I snapped. I told him I put a lock on the laundry door and he has 60 days to move out. Adam just apologized and took his notice.
All our family and friends are happy we are kicking him out because the smell is so bad. Yet some feel we were attacking the kids for being “different” and stating that locking them out of rooms was insensitive….
So I need to know… AITA?
EDIT: I did not expect this post to blow up like it did, and I appreciate all the comments. But I would like to address the comments about calling CPS! They had a case opened for over a year, and it was recently closed. Family services didn’t care about the state of the basement, unfortunately.
EDIT 2: As I said, the kids are only here twice a week, and this happened over a full year span. That’s roughly 104 days. Some weekends they were fine; some they yell-talk really loud or have screaming contests nonstop, not a hurt or in trouble scream.
It’s literally like one of those screams you do if someone asks how loud you can scream, and other weekends have been obvious hell. This whole thing has been a huge buildup, not one after another events. It’s been almost 2 months with no huge out-of-pocket issues until the laundry room incident.
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments reveal a strong consensus around NTA due to the roommate’s negligence and lack of responsibility towards his children. Most users agree that the behavior exhibited by the children, as well as the roommate’s refusal to acknowledge the issues, justified the decision to ask him to leave, highlighting the importance of maintaining a safe and respectful living environment.
Overall Verdict
NTA
Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict
Conflict in shared living situations can be challenging, especially when children are involved. Here are some practical steps to address the concerns of both the couple and Adam, fostering a more harmonious environment:
For the Couple
- Open Communication: Schedule a calm and private conversation with Adam to discuss the issues. Use “I” statements to express feelings without placing blame, such as “I feel overwhelmed when the shared spaces are not clean.”
- Set Clear Boundaries: Clearly outline expectations regarding cleanliness, noise levels, and the behavior of children. Consider creating a written agreement that both parties can refer to.
- Offer Support: If possible, provide resources or assistance in helping Adam find a new living arrangement. This could include sharing listings or offering to help him move.
- Consider a Gradual Transition: Instead of an abrupt end to the living arrangement, discuss a phased approach where Adam can gradually transition out while still having time to adjust.
For Adam
- Acknowledge the Issues: Recognize the concerns raised by the couple. Accepting responsibility for the cleanliness and behavior of his children can help rebuild trust.
- Engage in Problem-Solving: Work collaboratively with the couple to find solutions that address the issues. This could include setting up a cleaning schedule or discussing ways to manage the children’s behavior.
- Seek Alternative Support: If living with the couple is no longer feasible, explore other housing options or support systems, such as family or community resources that can assist with his situation.
- Communicate Openly: Keep the lines of communication open with the couple. Regular check-ins can help address any ongoing concerns and demonstrate a willingness to improve the situation.
Conclusion
Conflict resolution requires empathy and understanding from both sides. By fostering open communication, setting clear expectations, and working collaboratively, both the couple and Adam can navigate this challenging situation more effectively. Remember, the goal is to create a safe and respectful environment for everyone involved.
Join the Discussion
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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