WIBTAH for Hiding My Plans from My Mom?
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Teen Torn Between Family Obligations and Future Dreams
At just 17, a high-achieving student faces an impossible choice: stay in a crowded home to support her mother and siblings or pursue her dreams at Georgetown University. With a supportive aunt and a loving stepfamily in Virginia, she grapples with the fear of her mother’s wrath if she reveals her plans to leave. This relatable dilemma highlights the struggle many young adults face when balancing family loyalty with personal aspirations, especially in a culture that often prioritizes familial duty over individual success.
Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Dilemma Before Graduation
A 17-year-old, soon to be 18, finds herself in a complex family situation as she prepares for college. With a crowded household of eight siblings and two more on the way, the dynamics are anything but simple. Here’s a breakdown of her story:
- Background:
- She is the third child in a family of eight, with siblings ranging from ages 29 to 2.
- Graduating as valedictorian, she aims to attend out-of-state colleges for a better educational focus.
- Her mother insists she stay local to babysit her siblings and contribute financially to the household.
- Aunt’s Support:
- She has been meeting with her Aunt Mary, who has no children and is financially successful.
- Aunt Mary has been generous, providing her with significant financial support and assistance with college applications.
- She has a trust fund set aside for her, excluding her half-siblings due to complicated family dynamics.
- Family Background:
- Her parents divorced when she was younger, leading to a custody arrangement that allowed her to spend summers and winter breaks with her father in Virginia.
- Her mother remarried her affair partner and moved the family to Nevada, complicating her relationship with her father.
- Her father’s wife, Laurie, has been supportive, treating her like a daughter and helping her with her dog training business aspirations.
- Future Plans:
- She plans to attend Georgetown University for Business Management and Business Law, near her father’s home in Virginia.
- Her father and Laurie have offered her a place to live, as have her grandparents.
- She has been running a dog-walking business since she was 12 and aims to expand it after graduation.
- The Dilemma:
- Her mother is unaware of her plans to move back to Virginia or the financial support she has received from her aunt.
- If her mother discovers her intentions, it could lead to significant conflict, as she expects her to remain in Nevada and support the family.
- She feels guilty about hiding her plans but fears her mother will sabotage her future if she finds out.
As she navigates this family drama and wedding tension, she is left questioning whether she would be the “asshole” for not disclosing her plans to her mother and simply leaving when the time comes. The situation highlights the challenges of conflict resolution within a complicated family structure.
This is Original story from Reddit
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
Story
I wasn’t sure if I should post this here or in r/entitledparents, but let me know if there’s a better fit.
A bit of background to help make sense of my situation: I’m 17, turning 18 at the end of the month, and the third of eight children with two more on the way. Our ages range from 29 to 2. As you can imagine, our house is very crowded.
I’ve been working on my college applications for out-of-state schools because, aside from the house being packed, I’m graduating valedictorian, and I want to be able to fully focus on my education. My mom, however, is demanding that I stay local so I can babysit my siblings while also paying rent, utilities, and groceries for the entire family.
Here’s where things get complicated.
I’ve been meeting a couple of times a week with my mom’s older sister, Aunt Mary. She never had kids, has done very well for herself in investments, and having witnessed firsthand how I am mistreated, lied to, and ignored, she has been incredibly generous toward me. She gives me money—not just small bills, but 50s and 100s—and has also been helping me apply to colleges. That’s when she told me that she has a sizable trust fund set aside specifically for me.
She isn’t including my half-siblings in this because my mom cheated on my dad, and the situation surrounding my birth and their births is complicated, to say the least.
For additional context: My parents divorced when I was younger, and as part of the custody agreement, I spent all my summer and winter breaks with my dad in Virginia. When my mom remarried her AP affair partner, she moved us all across the country to Nevada. AP has tried to assert himself as my only dad, which has made things even worse.
Meanwhile, my dad’s wife, Laurie, has been nothing but amazing to me. She has always treated me as her own daughter and even takes me out for girls’ days. She owns a dog training business and has offered to help me become certified and set up my own business—legally trademarks, certifications, etc. I’ve been running a small business since I was 12, walking neighborhood dogs, and I also work part-time at a pet shop as a groomer. My ultimate goal is to expand my business to include training and grooming full-time once I graduate.
So here’s where my dilemma comes in.
What My Mom Does Know
- That I started my own business.
What My Mom Doesn’t Know
- That my aunt has been giving me money.
- That I have a trust fund.
- That I have already made plans to attend Georgetown University for Business Management and Business Law near my dad’s home.
- That I plan to move to Virginia after graduation.
My dad and Laurie have already offered me a place to live, as have my grandparents, who live nearby in a large house—a house that I recently found out I’ll eventually inherit.
My dad and Laurie’s two kids, 5M and 4F, are incredibly sweet and understanding, even bringing me snacks and drinks while I study. If they want to ask me something while I’m studying, they write it on a dry-erase board instead of interrupting me.
Now, here’s the problem.
If my mom finds out that I’m moving back to Virginia, all hell will break loose because she despises my dad for reasons I don’t even fully understand. She expects me to stay in Nevada, babysit, pay bills, and sacrifice my future for her new family.
Would I be the a-hole if I didn’t tell her my plans and just left when the time comes?
I feel guilty hiding it, but I also know she will do everything in her power to sabotage me.
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the individual should prioritize their own well-being and leave their current living situation, as their mother is attempting to impose undue responsibilities on them. Many users emphasize the importance of safeguarding personal documents and finances, suggesting that the mother may exploit the situation further. Overall, the comments reflect a protective stance towards the individual, encouraging them to pursue their own life and education without guilt.
Verdict: NTA
Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict
Navigating family dynamics, especially in a situation as complex as this, can be incredibly challenging. It’s essential to approach the conflict with empathy and a clear plan. Here are some practical steps to consider for both sides:
For the Individual
- Prioritize Your Goals: Remember that your education and future are paramount. Focus on your plans for college and the opportunities that await you.
- Secure Your Finances: Ensure that your financial support from Aunt Mary is documented and that you have access to your trust fund. This will provide you with a safety net.
- Communicate with Your Support System: Keep your father, Laurie, and Aunt Mary informed about your plans. Their support will be crucial as you navigate this transition.
- Plan Your Departure: Consider a timeline for when you will move. Having a clear plan can help alleviate some anxiety about the situation.
- Prepare for the Conversation: If you decide to tell your mother about your plans, prepare for the conversation. Think about how to express your feelings and intentions clearly and calmly.
For the Mother
- Reflect on Your Expectations: Consider the impact of your expectations on your child’s future. Understand that their education is vital for their personal growth and success.
- Open the Lines of Communication: Create an environment where your child feels safe discussing their plans. Encourage open dialogue about their aspirations and concerns.
- Seek Support: If you feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities of raising a large family, consider seeking help from family members or community resources. This can alleviate some pressure on your child.
- Consider Professional Guidance: Family counseling can provide a neutral space to address underlying issues and improve communication between you and your child.
- Be Open to Change: Understand that your child’s decision to pursue their education out of state does not diminish your relationship. Embrace the idea that they can still be a part of the family while pursuing their dreams.
Ultimately, both sides need to approach this situation with empathy and understanding. By prioritizing open communication and mutual respect, it’s possible to navigate this family conflict in a way that honors both the individual’s aspirations and the family’s needs.
Join the Discussion
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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