February 20, 2025

AITA for not inviting my MIL to family dinner

Inline AITA Image 1 Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Family Tensions and Language Barriers: A Dinner Dilemma

When a pregnant woman invites her fiancé’s family for a holiday dinner, she expects a joyful gathering, but tensions rise over language and cultural expectations. Her fiancé’s mother insists on speaking only Spanish, creating a rift that leads to emotional turmoil for both her son and his fiancée. As they navigate the complexities of family dynamics and cultural respect, the couple faces a tough decision about inclusion and boundaries. This relatable story highlights the challenges many face in multicultural relationships, making readers reflect on their own family traditions and communication struggles.

Family Drama Over Language at Family Dinner

A 27-year-old woman, who is pregnant with her first child, is facing a conflict with her fiancé’s mother regarding language use during a family dinner. Here’s a breakdown of the situation:

Background: The woman, referred to as the narrator, is engaged to Mateo, a 24-year-old Hispanic man. They have been together for two years.
Mateo’s Family History: Mateo moved to the country at the age of eight and struggled with learning English. His mother, who also has limited English skills, relied on Mateo and his older brother for support.
Childhood Experiences: Mateo experienced what he describes as average disciplinary actions in his culture, which included physical punishment. He is currently in therapy to address these issues.

As the couple prepared for a family dinner between Christmas and New Year’s, tensions arose:

Family Dinner Invitation: The narrator invited Mateo’s family, including his mother, brother, and sister, to their home for a gathering.
Conflict with Mateo’s Mother: After visiting his mother to borrow chairs, Mateo returned upset, stating that his mother would only attend the dinner if everyone spoke Spanish. This demand excluded the narrator and Mateo’s brother’s wife, both of whom only speak English.
Emotional Impact: Mateo reported that his mother hit him during the conversation, which he described as a reprimand rather than a severe punishment. This incident triggered a panic attack for Mateo.

In an attempt to resolve the conflict:

Text Message Sent: The couple decided to send a text to Mateo’s mother, explaining their perspective and expressing that they would be speaking English during the dinner. They aimed to be sympathetic while also standing their ground.
Mother’s Reaction: Mateo’s mother responded angrily, accusing them of ruining their family by dating “white girls.” This reaction further escalated the situation.
Uninviting the Mother: In the heat of the moment, the narrator uninvited Mateo’s mother from the dinner, although she later felt guilty about the decision.

Now, the narrator is grappling with feelings of guilt and considering whether to invite Mateo’s mother back if she apologizes. She is conflicted about respecting her fiancé’s mother’s wishes while also wanting to ensure that her own language is respected.

The narrator is left questioning whether she is in the wrong for excluding Mateo’s mother from the family dinner, seeking advice on how to navigate this family drama and achieve conflict resolution.

This is Original story from Reddit

Inline AITA Image 2 Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My 27F fiancé, 24M, and I have been together for two years, and I am pregnant with our first child. I’m just gonna call my fiancé Mateo for the sake of this story. Don’t mind spelling mistakes as I am dyslexic.

Mateo is Hispanic, and he and his family moved to the country when he was 8. Mateo had a really hard time learning English, and with his mom completely unable to speak it as well, he relied on his older brother to help him learn. To help him, they started trying to speak English at home, not only to help Mateo and his little sister learn but also in the hopes that their mother would pick some up.

She did learn some English, but she straight up refuses to speak it, and she got mad at them for speaking English. Now, I would call what she did abuse: spanking with a paddle, a belt, or a wooden coat hanger, putting too much spice in their food, and still making them eat it. However, Mateo says that where he’s from, that’s just an average punishment.

Mateo is in therapy both for that and other incidents in his childhood, but he still has a hard time getting himself to speak English with his mother. Now, I invited everyone to a family dinner between Christmas and New Year’s: Mateo’s older brother and his wife, Mateo’s little sister, Mateo’s mom, and mom’s partner. The day after Christmas, Mateo went alone to his mom’s house to pick up some extra chairs we needed to borrow, and he came back in tears.

He said that she had told him that she would only be attending if everyone spoke Spanish or she would feel left out. Mateo told her that it’s not fair to me because I don’t speak Spanish, and she does speak English. He also says that she hit him but said it was more of a reprimand than a hard hit.

We both talked about it and decided to send her a text explaining our point of view and how it’s not fair to me and Mateo’s brother’s wife, who also only speaks English. In the text, we attempted to be sympathetic and tell her that we will not prevent her from speaking Spanish while informing her that we will be speaking English. She responded by calling Mateo, screaming at him, telling him that he and his brother are horrible and ruining themselves by dating white girls.

Mateo proceeded to have a panic attack so bad he threw up. I uninvited her, and I tried to do so in the most non-hateful way I could, but me being in the heat of the moment and filled with pregnancy hormones, the message may have been harsher than intended. Now I feel bad for excluding this elderly woman from the family dinner, and I’m honestly considering inviting her back if she’s sorry.

I feel like I’m making an issue of it, but my fiancé says that she should respect me enough to let me speak my language. But shouldn’t I do the same for her?

Seriously, AITA?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for prioritizing their family’s safety over the demands of a toxic and abusive family member. Users emphasize the importance of setting firm boundaries and protecting the child from potential harm, highlighting that the abusive behavior exhibited by the family member is unacceptable regardless of age. Many commenters advocate for going no contact until the family member demonstrates respect and accountability for their actions.

Overall Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Navigating family dynamics, especially when cultural and language barriers are involved, can be challenging. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict between the narrator and Mateo’s mother while addressing both sides’ concerns:

Steps for Resolution

Open a Dialogue:
Consider initiating a calm and respectful conversation with Mateo’s mother. This can be done in person or through a video call, where both parties can express their feelings without the pressure of a large gathering.
Express Understanding:
Start the conversation by acknowledging Mateo’s mother’s feelings and her desire to maintain cultural traditions. This can help her feel heard and respected.
Set Clear Boundaries:
While it’s important to be empathetic, it’s equally crucial to set boundaries. Clearly communicate that the dinner will be conducted in English to ensure everyone feels included. Emphasize that this decision is not a rejection of her culture but a necessity for effective communication.
Propose Compromise:
Suggest a compromise where certain parts of the dinner could be conducted in Spanish, perhaps during a specific time when Mateo’s mother can share stories or traditions. This can help bridge the gap between both languages.
Address Past Incidents:
If Mateo feels comfortable, it may be beneficial to address the incident where his mother hit him. This should be approached delicately, focusing on how such actions affect him emotionally and how they can work towards healthier interactions in the future.
Consider Family Counseling:
If tensions remain high, suggesting family counseling could provide a safe space for everyone to express their feelings and work through conflicts with the help of a professional.
Reflect on the Future:
As the narrator prepares to welcome a child, it’s essential to consider the kind of family environment they want to create. Discuss with Mateo how they can establish a supportive and respectful family dynamic moving forward.
Be Open to Forgiveness:
If Mateo’s mother reaches out with an apology, be open to discussing the possibility of her attending future gatherings. This can help mend the relationship while ensuring that boundaries are respected.

Conclusion

Family conflicts can be emotionally taxing, especially when cultural differences and past traumas are involved. By approaching the situation with empathy, clear communication, and a willingness to compromise, the narrator and Mateo can work towards a resolution that respects both their needs and those of Mateo’s mother. Remember, setting boundaries is not about exclusion; it’s about fostering a healthy family environment for everyone involved.