AITA for still being no contact with my brother after something that happened 4 years ago?
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When Family Turns Toxic: A Sister’s Struggle for Safety
In a heart-wrenching tale of sibling betrayal, a young woman recounts the traumatic experience of being physically assaulted by her older brother during a stressful summer. Despite their once-close relationship, the incident left her feeling unsafe and led her to sever ties with him for good. Now, as she celebrates a significant career milestone, her brother’s attempts to reconnect spark a family divide over forgiveness and loyalty. This story resonates with anyone who has grappled with the complexities of familial relationships and the challenge of prioritizing personal safety over societal expectations.
Family Drama: A Conflict Over Forgiveness
A 20-year-old woman shares her experience of family tension and conflict resolution following a traumatic incident with her older brother, James, who is now 25. The story highlights the complexities of familial relationships and the challenges of forgiveness.
- Background: The siblings were once close, but a violent incident four years ago changed their relationship.
- Context of Incident: During a summer stay at James’s apartment, he was under significant stress due to his internship and financial responsibilities.
- Triggering Event: After a long night shift, James returned home to find unwashed dishes. His frustration escalated into a heated argument.
- Escalation: In a moment of anger, James slapped his sister, causing her to bleed from her lip. This physical altercation left her traumatized.
- Immediate Aftermath: The sister experienced a panic attack and decided to leave for their parents’ house, choosing not to disclose the incident to their parents initially.
- Communication Breakdown: James attempted to reach out through calls and messages, but she blocked him on all platforms. Their parents were informed and expressed anger towards James, but the situation eventually calmed down.
- Decision to Cut Ties: After a month, the sister made it clear to James that she would not be contacting him again, feeling unsafe and unable to trust him.
Fast forward to the present, the sister has secured an internship at a hospital she has long aspired to work at. She celebrated this achievement with a party, inviting all family members except James.
- James’s Reaction: Upon learning about the celebration, James reached out using a fake account, questioning why he was not invited.
- Response to James: The sister reiterated her stance, explaining that their lack of communication over the past four years was a clear indication of her feelings towards him.
- James’s Justification: He argued that as family, he hoped for forgiveness and wanted to celebrate her success, claiming that he could offer valuable advice.
- Final Decision: The sister firmly stated that she wanted nothing from him and blocked him again.
Since then, the sister has faced pressure from other family members, who believe she should forgive James for his past mistake. This has led to a division within the family, leaving her uncertain about how to proceed.
This situation encapsulates the challenges of navigating family dynamics, especially when past trauma is involved. The sister is left grappling with the decision of whether to forgive and reconcile or maintain her boundaries for her own safety and well-being.
This is Original story from Reddit
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Story
Me, 20, and my brother, James, 25, were really close before this, but I don’t feel safe around him and haven’t felt safe around him after what happened.
So, rewind to 4 years ago. I was at James’s apartment for the summer. At that time, my brother was stressed out; he was an intern working to become a doctor, worked a part-time job on the side, had bills to pay, and then on top of that, had to take care of 16-year-old me.
It was hard; I understand that, but that doesn’t make what he did understandable. So, around April of that year, his rent increased by a lot, so he got another part-time job. One day, after a long night shift, he came home; he was really tired and had to go to his second job.
I could tell he was stressed out, so I made him some dinner. I left dishes in the sink because I also was very tired. I went to sleep and woke up the next day to him yelling for me to wash all the dishes before he got home; he was leaving for work and had already done everything he needed to in the kitchen. I’m guessing the dishes just bothered him.
TW: Bloody details coming up
I was like, “Okay,” and was walking back into my room to go back to sleep, like any normal person would, because I could just do it later. Then he went batshit crazy, yelling at me that I’m lazy and can’t do anything and that I’m always in my room 24/7. I was so confused, so I was like, “Bro, are you okay?” And he saw that as a form of disrespect and slapped me.
Context: my brother is a gym rat who plays football and boxes. Crazy, I know. So, I’m like, “WTF, you just hit me!” and screamed at him. He said, “STFU,” and I continued yelling at him, and he slapped me again, but this time he busted my lip, so my teeth bit the top part really hard and deep, and the same with my bottom lip, so blood was dripping everywhere. My brother said, “Clean this mess up.” I can’t forget those words to this day.
I proceeded to have a panic attack for about an hour and patched myself up. By that time, my lip was really swollen. It looked like I did the Kylie Jenner lip trend, lol. I packed up all my things and left; I went back to my parent’s house because, again, I was there for the summer.
I got home and didn’t tell my parents what happened, but later in the day, my phone started blowing up. My brother was texting, calling, and leaving voicemails, trying to reach me in any way possible.
I blocked him on everything, and after he couldn’t reach me, he talked to my parents and told them what happened. They, of course, were mad at him but eventually got over it.
After a month or so, I let him know that I was not going to contact him again and that he should really leave me alone and stop trying. Because I would never trust him or feel safe around him ever again.
I haven’t contacted him since, but here comes the problem. This year, I finally got an internship at a hospital that I’ve always wanted to work at since I was a little kid. I was so excited; I held a party for myself, put it all over social media, and invited all of my family except my brother, of course.
He found out. I’m not sure who told him yet, but I will figure it out. He got a hold of my social media; I’m not sure who gave it to him, but he contacted me using a fake account and asked why he wasn’t invited.
I told him I hadn’t talked to him for the past 4 years and why he would expect me to ever say anything to him again. He said because he is family, he was hoping that I had forgiven him after what happened and that I’m being too immature and just need to let him celebrate me.
He said that being an intern was a big part of his life too and that he could give me advice. I told him that I didn’t want anything from him and that he should leave me alone. I blocked him.
But I’ve been getting calls from other family members saying that I shouldn’t hold a grudge against family and need to forgive him for a mistake he made. It’s got my whole family divided, and I’m not sure what to do.
Sorry if this is really hard to read; I’m still in shock a little bit.
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the brother’s actions were abusive and unacceptable, particularly given that he has not sincerely apologized or sought help for his anger issues. Many users emphasize the importance of safety and the right to distance oneself from an abuser, regardless of familial ties. The overall sentiment is that the original poster (OP) is justified in their decision to cut off contact with their brother.
Verdict: NTA
Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict
Family conflicts, especially those rooted in trauma, can be incredibly challenging to navigate. In this situation, both the sister and James have valid feelings and perspectives. Here are some practical steps for both sides to consider in addressing the conflict:
For the Sister:
- Prioritize Your Well-Being: Continue to prioritize your mental and emotional health. It’s essential to maintain boundaries that make you feel safe.
- Consider Professional Support: Engaging with a therapist can help you process your feelings about the incident and the ongoing family pressure to forgive.
- Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly: If you feel comfortable, consider writing a letter to James outlining your feelings and the reasons for your boundaries. This can provide clarity and closure.
- Evaluate Family Dynamics: Reflect on the pressure from other family members. It may be helpful to have open conversations with them about your feelings and the importance of your safety.
- Take Your Time: Forgiveness is a personal journey. Allow yourself the time you need to heal without rushing into any decisions about reconciliation.
For James:
- Seek Professional Help: Acknowledging the need for help is crucial. Consider therapy to address anger management and the underlying issues that led to the incident.
- Reflect on Your Actions: Take time to genuinely reflect on the impact of your actions on your sister. Understanding the severity of the situation is vital for personal growth.
- Apologize Sincerely: If you haven’t already, consider reaching out with a heartfelt apology that acknowledges the pain you caused. Avoid justifying your actions; focus on her feelings.
- Respect Her Boundaries: Understand that your sister may not be ready to forgive or reconnect. Respect her decision and give her the space she needs.
- Work on Rebuilding Trust: If she ever decides to engage with you again, be prepared to demonstrate through actions that you are committed to change and rebuilding trust.
For the Family:
- Listen and Support: Family members should listen to both sides without judgment. Support the sister in her healing process and respect her boundaries.
- Encourage Open Dialogue: Facilitate conversations that allow both siblings to express their feelings, if they are willing. This can help in understanding each other’s perspectives.
- Promote Healing Over Forgiveness: Encourage a focus on healing rather than forcing forgiveness. Each individual’s journey is unique and should be respected.
- Educate on Abuse Dynamics: Family members should educate themselves on the dynamics of abuse and the importance of safety in relationships.
Ultimately, healing from trauma takes time, and each person involved must navigate their feelings at their own pace. Open communication, empathy, and respect for boundaries are key components in resolving this family conflict.
Join the Discussion
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What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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