AITA For Telling My Mom that I Don’t Forgive my Brother
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Confronting Family Ties: A Christmas Dilemma
When a young woman grapples with the unsettling return of her troubled younger brother, the tension escalates during a family Christmas gathering. After a history of alarming behavior, including an attempted poisoning and a chilling unaliving list, she struggles to reconcile her protective instincts with her mother’s desire for familial harmony. This story delves into the complexities of family loyalty, mental health, and the boundaries we set for our own safety. It’s a thought-provoking exploration of how far one should go to maintain family ties, especially when past traumas loom large.
Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Complex Situation
A 25-year-old woman recently faced a challenging family situation involving her younger brother, who has a history of troubling behavior. The confrontation with her mother, aged 47, after a Christmas visit has raised questions about her response and feelings of unease.
Background
- The mother divorced her abusive stepfather five years ago, moving in with her partner, Jessica.
- The woman’s younger brother, 17, struggled with severe issues, including a porn addiction and self-harm.
- After a series of interventions, he was admitted to a mental hospital for treatment.
- Upon returning home, he continued to exhibit problematic behavior, including lying and attempting to create conflict within the family.
- His actions escalated to the point where he was found with a notebook detailing plans to harm family members.
The Current Situation
- Following another hospitalization, the brother has been living primarily with his father since January 2024.
- Despite the mother’s efforts to reconnect, the brother appears disinterested in family interactions.
- During a recent Christmas visit, the woman felt anxious and uneasy about her brother’s presence, recalling past incidents.
The Christmas Visit
- The brother visited for 12 hours, during which the woman felt uncomfortable and on edge.
- She expressed her concerns about being left alone with him, which was initially agreed upon.
- During the visit, the brother made a statement about his sexuality, which further unsettled the woman.
The Confrontation
- After the visit, the woman shared her feelings with her mother and Jessica, stating she could not forgive her brother for his past actions.
- Her mother reacted negatively, urging her to keep an open mind and be a supportive sister.
- The woman stood firm in her feelings, emphasizing the seriousness of her brother’s previous threats.
Reflection
- The mother has since become distant, spending more time with the brother, which has caused further tension.
- Jessica acknowledged the woman’s feelings but reminded her that the brother is also their mother’s child.
This situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics, especially when dealing with mental health issues and past trauma. The woman is left questioning whether her feelings of anxiety and unease are justified, given her brother’s history of threatening behavior.
TL;DR: A woman confronts her mother about her unease regarding her brother, who has a history of harmful behavior. After a tense Christmas visit, she struggles with feelings of anxiety and the family’s response to her concerns.
This is Original story from Reddit
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
Story: TW Self Harm, Attempted Unaliving, Drug Usage, Mentions of Pornography
This is a long one, TLDR at the bottom.
So I, 25F, recently had a confrontation with my mom, 47F, after Christmas, and I’m a little unsure if I went too far in my response.
Backstory: My mom divorced my stepfather 5 years ago and moved in with her partner, Jessica, 48F. I was in college at the time, but my little brother, 17M, also moved with my mother as my stepfather was found to be abusive and a danger to live with untreated military PTSD.
The divorce, I think, amplified a lot of the issues that my brother had, and he began acting out in school—bad grades, problems with other kids. During this time, it was found out that he had a pretty bad porn addiction and was chatting with grown men online and trying to steal credit cards and money to buy access to different chatting sites.
We also found that he was cutting himself and stealing Jessica’s medication like Xanax and Promethazine. My mom, stepfather, and Jessica all came together to get him help, enrolling him in therapy and taking him to different specialists and eventually taking him to a mental hospital. For about 3 months, we were all on rotation visiting him, trying to provide him comfort while he was away.
When he came back, things were fine for a while, but then the issues started coming in again. First, he was lying to his friends about us to the extent that his friend’s parents were contacting our mom and stepdad about the alleged abuse. Then he lied to a doctor about it and actually called CPS.
The case was dropped because he claimed abuse to the extent that he was being beaten every day and that he was unfed and without a place to sleep. Imagine the case worker’s face when she walked into his fully furnished room with a mini fridge, expensive gaming systems, brand name clothes, and saw a fully stocked kitchen. It also didn’t help that every person interviewed had no clue about the specified events he claimed to have happened.
After the case was dropped, he upped the ante. He started trying to pit my mom and stepdad against each other. He stopped visiting him and claimed it was because my mom wouldn’t let him.
And then I would tell my mom that my stepdad was bad-mouthing her and not talking to my brother because he was gay. He even lied to my mom and said that our great aunt and uncle threatened to beat him for being gay. None of this was true, and he eventually confessed to it.
Then he tried to cause division between Mom and Jessica, but by then, the trust they had in him was gone, so nothing too bad happened. When that didn’t work, he tried to poison Jessica by crushing pills into her food. The only reason it didn’t work out was because she noticed that her food had bubbles in it, and it tasted soapy.
She spit it out, and he eventually confessed. At this point, my mom was at her wits’ end and began punishing him differently; she started taking away leisure and extracurricular activities. So, no more Xbox or Nintendo Switch.
There were no more fun weekend trips, and he just went to school and back home. Things continued largely the same, with him doing something and then receiving some kind of punishment. He would be good for a little bit and get off punishment only to do something to be on punishment again.
All things came to a head last year when he came home from school, and my mom got a phone call from his principal stating that a student had reported him for stalking and harassment. Apparently, he liked a boy who only wanted to be with him as an experiment. Then when they broke up, my brother couldn’t handle it and was always trying to find him at school and hound his friend about getting in contact with the boy.
The principal also said my brother had stolen a hoodie from the student. So my mom went through his room while he was with his dad to find the hoodie. When looking for the hoodie, she found a notebook that had alarming drawings on the cover.
She went through it and found detailed plans on how and when to unalive my mom, stepdad, Jessica, me, and the boy from school. This caused a lot of panic for us, as on top of Mom finding that notebook, he ran away from his dad’s house and was found the following day with a friend’s parents.
He was taken to the hospital to make sure he was okay, and it was determined that he would go to another mental facility. He stayed there for about a month and came out unrepentant and uncaring about all the stress his actions had caused. When he came out, the decision was made for him to stay with his dad primarily instead of our mom.
He’s been there since January 2024. The Situation Now: since he’s been with his dad, my mom has begun doing everything in her power to make him like her again. She vacillates between buying his love and always visiting him when she’s off of work.
Unfortunately, he seems to want nothing to do with Mom, Jessica, and me. Christmas was a few days ago, and Mom offered for him to visit for Christmas. And that turned into him visiting from 8 am to 8 pm Christmas day, which for me was a lot.
My mom and Jessica seemed to enjoy having him around, but I couldn’t help but feel anxious. Even our dog was cautious around him and actually stayed by me the entire day. I’ve felt on edge since the attempted poisoning incident with Jessica, and finding his list has only made me feel worse.
At 17, he looks like a linebacker, and my mother just invited him to a house full of women with no way of defending themselves. He always has this look in his eye when he looked at me or Mom and Jessica, but they don’t seem to see it. When we talked about his visit, I just asked not to be left alone with him, and everyone agreed to it.
Then, when he gets there, my mom and Jessica immediately start going upstairs for long periods, leaving me to cook downstairs with him in the living room. He was largely silent but kept smirking at me the entire time and eventually began to sit at the kitchen island, just watching me.
We ate dinner, and he largely kept silent, just staring at me or glancing at Jessica. Then he just abruptly says, “I’m pansexual now, and I’m dating a girl now.” They started talking to him about the change, but he just kept staring.
I eventually just went back to my room upstairs with my dog and stayed until his dad came to get him. Yesterday, Mom, Jessica, and I talked about the visit, and they spent a good 20 minutes talking about how happy they were
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for their concerns regarding their brother’s mental health and potential danger. Many users emphasize the importance of self-defense training and suggest that OP should maintain distance from their brother, especially given the brother’s refusal to seek therapy and alarming behavior. Additionally, there are calls for OP to document any concerning incidents and consider reaching out to authorities for help, highlighting the seriousness of the situation.
Overall Verdict: NTA
Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict
Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when mental health issues and past trauma are involved. It’s important to approach this situation with empathy for all parties while also prioritizing safety and well-being. Here are some practical steps for both the woman and her mother to consider in resolving their conflict:
For the Woman
- Prioritize Your Safety: Continue to trust your instincts about your brother’s behavior. If you feel unsafe, it’s crucial to maintain boundaries that protect your mental and emotional health.
- Document Concerns: Keep a record of any concerning incidents or statements made by your brother. This documentation can be useful if you need to seek help from professionals or authorities.
- Seek Support: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor about your feelings. They can provide coping strategies and help you process your emotions regarding your brother and family dynamics.
- Communicate Openly: When discussing your feelings with your mother, try to express your concerns calmly and clearly. Use “I” statements to convey how his behavior affects you without placing blame.
- Set Boundaries: Clearly define what interactions you are comfortable with regarding your brother. Communicate these boundaries to your mother and Jessica, emphasizing that they are for your well-being.
For the Mother
- Listen Actively: Take the time to listen to your daughter’s concerns without becoming defensive. Acknowledge her feelings and validate her experiences regarding her brother’s past behavior.
- Encourage Professional Help: Advocate for your son to seek therapy or counseling. His mental health is crucial, and professional guidance can help him address his issues more effectively.
- Balance Relationships: Strive to maintain a balance between supporting your son and being there for your daughter. It’s important to show that you care for both of them equally.
- Educate Yourself: Learn more about mental health issues and how they can affect family dynamics. Understanding these complexities can help you navigate the situation more effectively.
- Consider Family Therapy: If possible, suggest family therapy as a way to address the underlying issues and improve communication among family members.
For Both Parties
- Establish Open Communication: Create a safe space for both sides to express their feelings and concerns. Regular check-ins can help prevent misunderstandings and build trust.
- Focus on Solutions: Instead of dwelling on past conflicts, work together to find solutions that prioritize everyone’s safety and well-being.
- Practice Empathy: Try to understand each other’s perspectives. Recognizing the emotional weight of each person’s experience can foster compassion and healing.
Resolving family conflict, especially in the context of mental health challenges, requires patience and understanding. By taking these steps, both the woman and her mother can work towards a healthier family dynamic while ensuring their individual needs are met.
Join the Discussion
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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