AITAH for refusing to pay my wife while we are separated?
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When Love Turns to Resentment: A Midlife Crisis Unfolds
In a tumultuous marriage strained by trauma and unmet expectations, a husband grapples with feelings of betrayal and resentment as his wife embraces a newfound independence. Despite working three jobs to support both of them, he feels taken for granted when she continues to indulge in social activities while he sacrifices his well-being. As their relationship deteriorates, he faces a moral dilemma: should he continue to support her financially or reclaim his hard-earned freedom? This story resonates with anyone who has navigated the complexities of love, sacrifice, and the struggle for self-identity in a partnership.
Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Wedding Tension Story
In a challenging situation, a husband is grappling with the emotional fallout of his wife’s midlife crisis, which has led to significant family drama and conflict. Here’s a breakdown of the situation:
- Background: The wife has experienced trauma due to the deaths of her grandfather and father, which has affected her coping mechanisms. She is currently in counseling but struggles to engage meaningfully.
- Current Relationship Status: The couple is barely communicating, with the wife only committing to a weekly walk and limited messaging.
- Financial Dynamics: The husband works three jobs to support both himself and his wife, who only works one job. He covers all their bills except for her cell phone and part of the car payment.
- Resentment Builds: The husband feels resentful as his wife has been ignoring his messages and spending money on food delivery services. In response, he changed his passwords to restrict her access to shared accounts.
- Financial Support Dispute: The wife requested $150 a week for expenses, which the husband has been providing but is now reconsidering due to his feelings of exploitation.
- Travel Plans: The couple had previously discussed a trip to Greece, but the wife’s current attitude suggests she is enjoying her independence, leading the husband to contemplate going alone.
- Counseling Insights: The husband’s counselor indicated that stopping financial support could be seen as abusive, but he argues that his sacrifices for his wife’s well-being are also a form of emotional strain.
- Clarifications: The couple has a prenup that limits financial obligations, and the husband feels hurt by his wife’s spending habits, which include social outings and personal grooming.
- Recent Developments: During a recent walk, the husband expressed his intention to save for the Greece trip, offering the wife a chance to join him, which she declined. He also announced plans to cut non-essential payments, such as her gym membership.
- Future Considerations: The wife’s decision to get a puppy and cancel their weekend walk has prompted the husband to consider divorce, with papers already drawn up depending on the outcome of their next therapy session.
This situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics, the impact of trauma on relationships, and the challenges of conflict resolution in the face of wedding tension. The husband is left questioning whether he is in the wrong for wanting to prioritize his own well-being amidst the turmoil.
This is Original story from Reddit
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Story
For context, my wife went through some trauma and has not been using appropriate coping skills or seeking help. Instead, she is going through a complete midlife crisis of sorts, including leaving me rather unexpectedly. We are in counseling, but as of now, she cannot commit to anything other than a walk once a week. We barely speak.
More context: I work THREE JOBS. The original plan was to stack and stack to go travel and possibly foster children eventually. She works one job. I pay all of her and my bills with the exception of her cell phone bill and 14 of the car payment.
I was feeling quite resentful because she had been ignoring all of my messages for about a week. I saw that she was ordering food through a delivery service, so I changed my password. I saw she was also attempting to buy groceries on a similar app, so I took her off all of them.
She then asked me for $150 a week for expenses. I’ve paid it for about a month, and I’m sick of it. We had talked about going to Greece as a couple. Now, she can’t even commit to more than one walk a week with me and maybe three messages a day.
No plan to get back together any time soon. She says she’s enjoying aspects of being single. So I’m PISSED. I want to go to Greece by myself to reap the benefits of my hard labor.
I stopped paying her. My counselor told me that stopping payment is akin to abuse. But I think that working three jobs and sacrificing my mental and physical health so my estranged wife can do God knows what on my dime is also abuse.
I’m standing my ground and not paying her weekly. AITAH? Since I pay all of her other bills, this seems quite reasonable. I’m not going to stop paying her bills except maybe her gym membership; that’s not essential.
EDIT
The trauma was her grandfather dying; she was close to him. Then about a year later, her dad died. Neither death was unexpected—grandpa was 91, and dad had been battling lung cancer while continuing to smoke for about four years.
It was traumatic because she was very close to both of them, and when her dad died, it was in the midst of COVID, so she wasn’t able to say a real goodbye. Grandpa died three years ago, and dad died two years ago.
EDIT 2
To clarify, not that it matters, this is a WLW marriage. We have a prenup that delineates what property was pre-marriage: my house, my cars, my business, and prohibits spousal support. I am giving her spending money out of the kindness of my heart, not due to any legal obligation.
It also p’d me off to see her ordering stuff on my accounts—I’d rather just give her the money because it hurt my feelings.
EDIT 3
The counselor we are seeing is a licensed marriage, family, and trauma therapist. Fully licensed and came highly recommended. In terms of “where does the money go?” she spends a lot of time involved in sports clubs.
She’s on intramural teams and participates in social events for all of them. She goes out with her friends a lot, gets her nails done every two weeks, has her hair done once a month or more, and spends on clothes, shoes, accessories, brunch, dinner, etc. Not great places to be spending her money, but it’s her choice.
UPDATE
On our weekly walk, I told her that I’m saving up to go to Greece on a luxury tour. Before she left, we were choosing between Greece, Thailand, and Alaska. I gave her the opportunity to come with me, which she declined—who declines a luxury trip to Greece?? WTF.
I told her that I am going to stop payments to non-essential goods and services such as her gym membership, product subscription services, Amazon account, media subscriptions, etc. I will continue to pay the car and car insurance, as long as there is an equal effort on her end to mend the relationship.
She replied by telling me she got a puppy and she wanted to cancel our weekend walk. I have divorce papers drawn out, and depending on how therapy goes tomorrow, I may soon be officially single!
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) should seek legal advice and consider divorce, as their therapist is deemed ineffective and possibly harmful. Many users emphasize that since there are no children involved, OP is not obligated to support their spouse financially, especially if she is capable of working. Overall, the comments suggest that OP should prioritize their own well-being and take decisive action regarding the marriage.
Verdict: NTA
Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict
In navigating the complexities of this situation, it’s essential to approach the conflict with empathy and a focus on constructive communication. Here are practical steps for both the husband and wife to consider:
For the Husband
- Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to understand your emotions and the root causes of your resentment. Journaling can help clarify your thoughts.
- Communicate Openly: Schedule a calm, uninterrupted time to discuss your feelings with your wife. Use “I” statements to express how her actions affect you without placing blame.
- Set Boundaries: Clearly outline what you are comfortable with regarding financial support and shared responsibilities. Be firm yet compassionate in your approach.
- Seek Professional Guidance: If your current therapist isn’t meeting your needs, consider finding a new counselor who specializes in couples therapy. This can provide a neutral ground for discussions.
- Explore Individual Counseling: Continue your own therapy to process your feelings and gain insights into your relationship dynamics.
- Consider Your Options: If the situation does not improve, weigh the pros and cons of divorce. Consult with a legal professional to understand your rights and obligations.
For the Wife
- Engage in Self-Reflection: Acknowledge the impact of your trauma on your current behavior. Consider how your actions may be affecting your husband.
- Communicate Your Needs: Share your feelings and struggles with your husband. Let him know how you are coping with your trauma and what support you need from him.
- Participate in Counseling: Actively engage in your counseling sessions. Be open to discussing your feelings and working on coping strategies.
- Reassess Financial Independence: Evaluate your spending habits and consider ways to contribute more to the household. This can help alleviate some of your husband’s resentment.
- Prioritize the Relationship: Make an effort to reconnect with your husband. Suggest regular check-ins or activities that you both enjoy to rebuild your bond.
- Consider the Future: Reflect on your long-term goals and how they align with your husband’s. Discuss your visions for the future together.
Joint Steps
- Establish Regular Check-Ins: Set aside time each week to discuss your relationship, feelings, and any concerns. This can foster open communication and prevent misunderstandings.
- Work on Compromise: Identify areas where both of you can make concessions. This could involve financial adjustments or changes in daily routines.
- Engage in Shared Activities: Find common interests or hobbies that can help strengthen your bond and create positive experiences together.
- Evaluate Progress: After a set period, revisit your discussions and assess whether changes have been effective. Adjust your approach as needed.
Ultimately, both partners must prioritize their well-being while working towards a resolution. Open communication, empathy, and a willingness to adapt are key to navigating this challenging situation.
Join the Discussion
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What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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