[UPDATE] to AITA for telling my husband that I don’t want to be a single mom of three kids?
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When Family Dynamics Turn Toxic
In a heart-wrenching tale of marital strife, a woman finds herself at a crossroads as her husband and his family refuse to respect her autonomy. After a heated confrontation, she realizes that her vision of a healthy marriage starkly contrasts with her husband’s expectations, leading her to make the difficult decision to pursue a divorce. The story highlights the complexities of family loyalty, personal growth, and the struggle for self-identity, making it a relatable narrative for anyone who has faced similar challenges in their relationships.
Update on Family Drama and Conflict Resolution
After a tumultuous period, I wanted to share an update regarding my situation. The conflict with my husband, Rey, has escalated, leading me to decide on a divorce. Here’s a detailed account of the events that unfolded:
- Initial Confrontation: The morning after my last post, my mother-in-law (MIL) and sister-in-law (SIL) arrived unexpectedly at my home. My children were with my brother-in-law at my sister’s house, leaving me alone with them.
- Family Meddling: I expressed that any discussions should occur between Rey and me, as we are adults. This assertion offended them, particularly my MIL, who claimed I was no longer the person her son married.
- Escalation: The conversation quickly turned heated, with my MIL yelling at me. My sister threatened to call the police if she didn’t calm down. After a barrage of insults, they left.
- Rey’s Arrival: Rey arrived later, not to check on our children but to criticize my treatment of his mother. His tone softened when my sister was present, but he still accused me of being a bad wife and mother.
- Unproductive Discussion: Our conversation lasted an hour, filled with circular arguments. Rey was visibly agitated, grinding his teeth and clenching his fists, which made me uneasy.
- Divorce Decision: I suggested that if he wasn’t willing to work on our marriage, we should consider divorce. Initially, he agreed, but then he became defensive and questioned how I would manage without him.
- Children’s Welfare: I emphasized that our children would remain in the house, regardless of who stays. This concept seemed to confuse him, as he couldn’t grasp that I wouldn’t uproot their lives further.
- Physical Altercation: As tensions rose, Rey grabbed my shoulders and shook me. My sister intervened, leading to a physical confrontation between them. I called the police for assistance.
- Aftermath: Rey left before the police arrived. My sister sustained minor scratches, but I remained safe. I am now inundated with messages from his family, while Rey has not reached out.
- Moving Forward: I am officially filing for divorce. Reflecting on my previous feelings towards my sister-in-law, I realize I projected my unhappiness onto her. She has been supportive throughout this ordeal.
Thank you to everyone who offered advice and encouragement during this challenging time. The support from the online community has been invaluable.
This is Original story from Reddit
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
Story
Hello to everyone. I wanted to update since a lot of people were worried about me, and a lot has happened.
For those who don’t want to read a long post: things turned ugly, but I am safe, and I decided to get a divorce since my husband and I couldn’t agree on how a marriage should look like.
Now for a long update: the morning after I made this post, my MIL and SIL showed up at my house. At this point, there was still no word from my husband; let’s call him Rey. It was obvious that they expected me to be alone; my kids were with BIL at my sister M’s house, and she was with me.
So we all sat down to have a conversation. I know I was being annoying, but I kept repeating that I don’t see the point of that; the conversation should happen between Rey and me. We are grown-ups and married, and I didn’t see a reason for them to meddle.
They took great offense to that. My MIL, at one point, said that she doesn’t understand what happened to me; I am not the girl her son married anymore. I said, of course, I’m not; he married a teenager, and I’m now a grown woman.
She turned beet red and started screaming at me, to which M said she was going to call the police if she didn’t calm down. After a few insults, mostly about how I’m abusing her son and how bad of a mother I am, they left.
Rey showed up a few hours later. Not to ask about our children or to see how I am, but to berate me on how I treated his mother. Again, I think M being there changed his plan since he toned it down when she came downstairs.
He demanded for her to leave; she refused and said that she was going to go upstairs so we could have a conversation, but she was not going anywhere until I asked her to, which I didn’t. He started by basically saying that I am a bad wife, that I don’t love him since I don’t want more kids, and I blamed him for it.
I shouldn’t be speaking with him like that; he is a great father to our kids, etc. I asked, “Which kids?” Kids he hasn’t seen in 3 days and didn’t ask how or where they are? He then freaked out when I told him they are at BIL and M’s house, calling them both vile names that I don’t want to repeat.
Our conversation lasted an hour, and nothing productive came out of it; we were going in circles. I was scared because he multiple times started grinding his teeth and putting his hands in fists, but he would calm down after a few seconds.
I said if he is not willing to work on our marriage and thinks that he is completely in the right, we should get a divorce. He, at first, said fine; if that’s what I want, I should pack my stuff and leave. I started packing, and he ranted about how I’m going to live without him, how he can’t wait for me to explain to the kids why they are moving, and similar.
I said that the kids are not moving anywhere. They are staying in the house, and whichever parent stays here is taking care of them. He really couldn’t comprehend what I was saying. I am not turning our kids’ lives upside down; divorce is enough of a change—they are not going anywhere.
Then his tune changed; he was willing “to hear me out.” I swear I thought I was going to pop a blood vessel from rage. I said I don’t care anymore—we ARE getting a divorce; the only questions are about logistics and our kids.
To not make this post even longer, this also went in circles. Then he grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me; M got involved, and they started pushing each other. I called the police.
We managed to push him through the door and locked it. He left before the police came; we gave statements, and I stayed at the house. I am fine, but M has a few scratches. Currently, I’m bombarded with texts from his family; again, not a peep from him.
I am filing for divorce. I don’t know why I thought that this could end any differently, but I’m also glad that I tried.
For people who found my previous posts, I am ashamed of how I was speaking about M, but I was envious until I realized that I was projecting my unhappiness with my life onto her. She didn’t deserve it; she was and still is an amazing sister and an even better person.
Thank you all; I got amazing advice and words of encouragement. The Internet can also be full of wonderful people, and I’m grateful for each and every one of you.
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments express a strong concern for the safety of the individual who has left an abusive partner, emphasizing the potential dangers that can arise during a divorce. Many users advocate for taking precautions, such as avoiding being alone with the ex-partner and securing personal devices, while also praising the decision to leave the toxic relationship. Overall, the comments highlight the importance of vigilance and self-protection in such situations.
Verdict: YTA
Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict
Conflict within families can be incredibly challenging, especially when it involves deep emotional ties and significant life changes such as divorce. Here are some practical steps to consider for both parties involved in this situation:
For the Individual Seeking Divorce
- Prioritize Safety: Ensure your physical and emotional safety is your top priority. Consider obtaining a restraining order if you feel threatened, and always have a safety plan in place.
- Seek Professional Support: Engage with a therapist or counselor who specializes in domestic issues. They can provide guidance and coping strategies during this tumultuous time.
- Document Everything: Keep a detailed record of any incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions of events. This documentation can be crucial for legal proceedings.
- Communicate Clearly: When discussing divorce with your spouse, aim for clear and calm communication. Set boundaries and express your needs without escalating tensions.
- Involve Legal Counsel: Consult with a divorce attorney to understand your rights and responsibilities. They can help navigate the legal aspects of your situation.
- Lean on Support Systems: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who can provide emotional support and practical help during this transition.
For the Spouse (Rey)
- Reflect on Actions: Take time to reflect on your behavior and the impact it has had on your spouse and family. Acknowledging your actions is the first step toward change.
- Seek Counseling: Consider individual therapy to address underlying issues that may have contributed to the conflict. Professional help can provide valuable insights and coping mechanisms.
- Respect Boundaries: Understand and respect your spouse’s decision to seek a divorce. Avoid confrontational behavior and give them space to process their feelings.
- Communicate Constructively: If discussions are necessary, approach them with a calm demeanor. Focus on listening rather than defending yourself, and try to understand their perspective.
- Consider Family Mediation: If both parties are open to it, family mediation can help facilitate constructive conversations and find common ground regarding the children and other shared responsibilities.
- Focus on Co-Parenting: Prioritize the well-being of your children. Work towards a co-parenting plan that ensures their stability and emotional health during this transition.
Conclusion
Conflict resolution in family matters, especially during a divorce, requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to safety and well-being. Both parties should strive to communicate effectively and seek professional help when needed. Remember, the goal is to navigate this difficult time with as much respect and care for each other and the children involved as possible.
Join the Discussion
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What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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