WIBTA If I told my boyfriends mom to stop using my disability as an example of how ” good of a mother” she is?
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When Support Turns Awkward: A Blind Spot in Acceptance
In a heartfelt exploration of acceptance and boundaries, a woman grapples with her boyfriend’s mother’s well-meaning but uncomfortable comments about her partial blindness. Despite the mother’s insistence that she embraces all types of partners for her son, her repeated references to the woman’s disability as a badge of honor leave her feeling uneasy. This relatable dilemma raises questions about how to navigate well-intentioned support that crosses into insensitivity, making it a thought-provoking read for anyone who has faced similar challenges in relationships. Will she speak up and risk hurting the mother’s feelings, or stay silent and endure the discomfort?
Family Drama Over Disability Mention in Relationship
A young woman, who is partly blind, finds herself in a delicate situation involving her boyfriend’s mother. The couple has been dating for five months, and the woman has developed a good rapport with her boyfriend’s mother, who frequently visits the restaurant where they both work. However, a recurring issue has arisen that has caused some discomfort.
- Background: The woman was born with partial blindness, which has never hindered her work or emotional well-being. She is accustomed to her condition and does not dwell on it.
- Relationship Dynamics: The boyfriend’s mother has expressed her open-mindedness regarding her son’s dating choices, emphasizing that she values his happiness above all else. She has stated, “I do not care who my son dates as long as she makes him happy,” listing various physical attributes and backgrounds as examples.
- Uncomfortable Remarks: After learning about the woman’s disability, the mother began to include her partial blindness in her discussions about acceptance. This has made the woman uncomfortable, as she feels her disability is being used as a token example of the mother’s open-mindedness.
The woman is now faced with a dilemma: should she address her discomfort with her boyfriend’s mother or remain silent to avoid conflict? She recognizes that the mother likely does not intend to offend her and is a people pleaser who may be upset to learn that her comments are causing discomfort.
- Conflict Resolution Considerations:
- Understanding the mother’s perspective: She may believe she is being supportive and inclusive.
- Assessing the impact of the comments: The woman feels that her disability should not be a point of discussion in the context of dating acceptance.
- Deciding on the approach: Should she have a candid conversation with the mother or let it slide to maintain harmony?
Ultimately, the woman is contemplating whether it would be inappropriate to ask her boyfriend’s mother to refrain from mentioning her disability in this context. She seeks to navigate this family drama delicately while prioritizing her own comfort and the relationship dynamics at play.
This is Original story from Reddit
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
Story Context
I am partly blind. This has never affected my work, and I can do everything just fine. It also doesn’t affect me on an emotional level, as I was born this way, and I honestly don’t give it much thought.
My boyfriend and I have only been dating for about five months now, but I met his mother really early in our relationship since we work at the same restaurant. She often came to have coffee here. This post is not to bash her in any way; she is an amazing woman, and we get along really well.
The issue I have is that she has always strongly stated that she has told my boyfriend she doesn’t care who he dates as long as he is happy. Her words were, “fat, slim, tall, blonde, brunette, white, Hispanic, black, I do not care as long as she makes my son happy.” She found out about my disability when she noticed I need to be really close to things to be able to read something and asked me about it.
Now, whenever she goes on her rant of “I don’t care who my son dates,” she makes it a point to bring up my partial blindness as an example of the categories she has listed. This honestly makes me quite uncomfortable, and I’m sure she doesn’t mean it in a harmful way. That is why I am wondering if I would be the asshole to bring it up with her or just suck it up and deal with it because she is quite a people pleaser.
I know she will be very upset to find out she is making me uncomfortable because I’m sure she doesn’t realize how that might be offensive to me. So, WIBTA if I told my boyfriend’s mom to stop bringing my disability up as an example of how “good of a mother” she is?
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the boyfriend’s mother is not genuinely supportive but rather engages in microaggressions by frequently emphasizing her acceptance of her son’s girlfriend’s disability. Many users highlight that her behavior comes off as virtue signaling, making it uncomfortable for the girlfriend and suggesting that her comments reflect a deeper judgment rather than true acceptance. Overall, commenters recommend addressing the issue directly with the mother to clarify her intentions and improve the situation.
Verdict: NTA
Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict
Navigating family dynamics, especially when it involves sensitive topics like disability, can be challenging. Here are some practical steps for both the young woman and her boyfriend’s mother to address the situation constructively.
For the Young Woman
- Reflect on Your Feelings: Take some time to understand why the comments make you uncomfortable. Is it the way they are framed, or do they feel dismissive of your identity? Being clear about your feelings will help you communicate effectively.
- Choose the Right Time: Find a calm moment to talk to your boyfriend’s mother. Avoid discussing this during a busy or stressful time at work or family gatherings, as it may lead to misunderstandings.
- Use “I” Statements: When you approach her, frame your feelings using “I” statements. For example, “I feel uncomfortable when my disability is mentioned in discussions about acceptance.” This helps to express your feelings without sounding accusatory.
- Be Honest but Kind: Explain that while you appreciate her support, you would prefer if your disability wasn’t a focal point in conversations about your relationship. Emphasize that you want to be seen as a whole person, not just defined by your disability.
- Encourage Dialogue: Invite her to share her thoughts and feelings. This can help foster understanding and may lead to a more supportive relationship moving forward.
For the Boyfriend’s Mother
- Listen Actively: If the young woman approaches you about her discomfort, listen without becoming defensive. Acknowledge her feelings and show that you value her perspective.
- Reflect on Your Comments: Consider how your remarks may come across. Ask yourself if you are genuinely being supportive or if your comments could be perceived as tokenizing her disability.
- Ask for Guidance: If you’re unsure how to express your acceptance, consider asking the young woman how she would prefer to be discussed in relation to your son. This shows that you respect her wishes and want to support her in a way that feels comfortable.
- Educate Yourself: Take the time to learn more about disability and the experiences of those who live with it. This can help you understand the nuances of acceptance and support.
- Be Open to Change: If the young woman expresses a desire for you to refrain from mentioning her disability, be willing to adapt your behavior. This can strengthen your relationship and demonstrate your genuine support.
Conclusion
Addressing this situation with empathy and openness can lead to a more harmonious relationship between the young woman and her boyfriend’s mother. By communicating honestly and respectfully, both parties can work towards a better understanding and a more supportive dynamic.
Join the Discussion
Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)
What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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