WIBTA if I told my MIL she could no longer visit my child at daycare?
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Motherhood, Boundaries, and Jealousy: A New Mom’s Dilemma
In a heartfelt exploration of motherhood, a new mom grapples with her feelings of jealousy and frustration over her mother-in-law’s frequent visits to her daughter’s daycare. Despite the joy of family support, she struggles with the lack of communication and the fear of losing precious bonding time with her child. This relatable story touches on the complexities of family dynamics, the challenges of postpartum emotions, and the desire for personal space in parenting. Can she find a way to express her feelings without causing family rifts?
Family Drama Over Daycare Visits
A 29-year-old mother is experiencing conflict regarding her mother-in-law’s frequent visits to her daughter’s daycare. The situation has led to feelings of jealousy and frustration, prompting her to seek advice on whether she would be in the wrong for addressing the issue.
- Background:
- The mother has a five-month-old daughter who attends daycare at her husband’s workplace.
- The mother-in-law also works at the same location, granting her easy access to the daycare.
- Frequency of Visits:
- The mother-in-law visits the daycare at least once a week.
- During these visits, she spends 30 minutes to an hour playing with the baby.
- Concerns Raised:
- The mother feels uncomfortable with her mother-in-law’s unannounced visits.
- She is frustrated that her husband communicates these visits without informing her.
- As a former daycare worker, she worries about the implications of having an adult visitor in a daycare setting.
- She is particularly concerned about her mother-in-law potentially taking photos or videos of other children.
- There is a sense of jealousy, as the mother feels her mother-in-law spends more awake time with her daughter than she does.
- Seeking Resolution:
- The mother contemplates asking her mother-in-law to reduce her visits to the daycare.
- She acknowledges that her mother-in-law visits their home and spends several hours with the baby weekly.
- Self-Reflection:
- In an update, the mother admits to feeling jealous and recognizes that her emotions may stem from exhaustion and postpartum depression (PPD).
- She clarifies that she does not harbor negative feelings toward her mother-in-law.
- As this is her first child, she expresses a strong desire to protect her daughter, who is described as her “rainbow baby.”
- She is already seeking therapy for her chronic depression and PPD.
The situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics and the challenges of conflict resolution in the context of parenting. The mother is navigating her feelings while considering the best approach to address her concerns without causing further family tension.
This is Original story from Reddit
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Story
My 29F daughter is five months old and goes to a daycare at my husband’s 32M workplace. My mother-in-law also works at the same place, so she has easy access to the daycare. At least once a week, she goes and spends 30 minutes to an hour just playing with my daughter.
This rubs me the wrong way for so many reasons. As a mom, it frustrates me that she thinks it’s okay to just drop by whenever without at least saying something or asking. I actually just found out while writing this that she tells my husband, but nobody communicates it with me.
As a former daycare worker, I would have hated having someone just come in and spend time with a child. Now, not only do they have infants to watch, but they also have to work around a fully grown woman and make sure that she isn’t taking pictures or videos of other babies as well. I think my biggest issue is honestly that some days she gets to spend more awake time with my daughter than I do.
I know that’s a horrible reason to be frustrated with someone, but it is what it is. Would I be the asshole if I asked her to stop visiting daycare so frequently? She comes to our house and gets to spend several hours with my daughter at least once a week, so it’s not like daycare is the only time she gets to see her.
ETA
Yes, I know I’m the asshole for being jealous. After talking with my husband, I’m realizing a lot of these feelings are based on big emotions from being exhausted and dealing with PPD. I don’t hate my mother-in-law; this is my first and probably only child, and she’s my rainbow baby, so I’m very protective.
For those of you that politely told me I’m the asshole, thank you. For those of you that told me I need to see a therapist, I’m already seeing one for my chronic depression and added postpartum depression, so I’m good. I’m going to stop reading comments now and go snuggle with my baby that just got home.
View the Original Reddit Post Here
Summary of Reddit Comments
The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) would be the asshole (YWBTA) for trying to limit her mother-in-law’s visits with her daughter. Users emphasize that the OP’s feelings of jealousy are unfounded and that her daughter benefits from spending time with a loving grandparent. Most commenters agree that the OP should work on her feelings rather than impose restrictions on family interactions, highlighting the importance of familial bonds.
Verdict: YWBTA
Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict
Navigating family dynamics, especially when it comes to parenting, can be challenging. It’s important to address the feelings and concerns of both the mother and the mother-in-law while fostering a healthy relationship. Here are some practical steps to consider:
For the Mother
- Self-Reflection: Continue to explore your feelings of jealousy and discomfort. Journaling or discussing these feelings with a therapist can provide clarity and help you understand the root causes.
- Open Communication: Have an honest conversation with your husband about how you feel regarding his mother’s visits. Express your concerns without placing blame, focusing on your feelings rather than accusations.
- Set Boundaries Together: If you and your husband agree, discuss potential boundaries for visits that respect your comfort level while still allowing your mother-in-law to be involved. This could include scheduling visits in advance.
- Encourage Positive Interactions: Instead of limiting visits, consider suggesting activities that include you. For example, invite your mother-in-law to join you for playtime at home or during outings, allowing you to bond as a family.
- Focus on Your Relationship: Make time for yourself and your daughter. Engage in activities that strengthen your bond, ensuring you feel connected and involved in her life.
For the Mother-in-Law
- Respect Boundaries: Be open to discussing the frequency of your visits. If your daughter-in-law expresses discomfort, consider adjusting your schedule to ensure everyone feels comfortable.
- Communicate Openly: Check in with your son and daughter-in-law about their feelings regarding your visits. This shows that you value their perspective and are willing to compromise.
- Involve the Parents: When visiting, ask if there are specific activities they would like you to do with your granddaughter. This can help create a collaborative environment and strengthen family bonds.
- Be Mindful of Privacy: Respect the daycare’s policies and the privacy of other children. Avoid taking photos or videos unless you have explicit permission from the parents.
For Both Parties
- Family Meetings: Consider scheduling regular family meetings to discuss feelings, concerns, and expectations. This can help prevent misunderstandings and foster a supportive environment.
- Seek Professional Guidance: If tensions persist, consider family therapy. A neutral third party can facilitate discussions and help navigate complex emotions.
- Celebrate Together: Plan family activities that include everyone. This can help strengthen relationships and create positive memories, reducing feelings of jealousy and discomfort.
Ultimately, the goal is to create a loving and supportive environment for your daughter while addressing the feelings of all family members involved. Open communication and mutual respect are key to resolving this conflict.
Join the Discussion
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What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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